Interpersonal Communication A Mindful Approach to Relationships The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication

Image lo Hain rom Chapter 14 The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication In chapter , we Will explore the dark side of interpersonal ( often results in positive outcomes , but may also result in hurt , damage , and relationship . The dark side of interpersonal generally refers to ) that results in negative outcomes . Some types of ( that are considered to ) on the dark side are verbal aggression , deception , psychological abuse , bullying , and , to name a few . For many years , scholars failed to focus on the negative aspects of ( i ( hilt in doing so , overlooked opportunities to create solutions for those who are on the receiving end of this type of and for those who are the source . This chapter will explore destructive behaviors in relationships and negative ) strategies . Awareness of these negative ) strategies may be the first step in preventing these strategies .

Behaviors . Familiarize yourself with the concept of secret testing . Understand the effects of empty apologies . Discuss the challenge of identifying Internet infidelity and emotional infidelity . ma 22 ( DEC LU ' Explain hurtful messages and reactions to hurtful messages . Secret Testing Very often , in relationships , seek to understand the nature or state of their relationship . The most direct way to understand a relationship is to talk about it , but sometimes the timing doesn seem right . Perhaps it too soon , or maybe the relational partner is squeamish about talking . Regardless , individuals experience a great deal of uncertainty about the nature of the relationship . Uncertainty also exists when relationships seem to be headed toward termination . Humans engage in communication in which we think about how our dating partner feels about us or about whether the individual wishes to continue in the relationship . A great deal of time may be spent thinking about how the relationship partner feels . If you have ever called a friend to ask your friend opinion about how your boyfriend or girlfriend feels about you , then you are engaging in information seeking about your relationship . In the early stages of relationships , the relational partners may not share the same definition of the relationship . As a result , one or both relational partners experience uncertainty . Research demonstrates that individuals experiencing uncertainty all work to reduce As research continued , it was determined that it is taboo to talk directly with a relationship partner about the ( Consider your ( experiences with dating and whether it is comfortable to ask or be asked , so , where are We ?

Are We dating exclusively , seeing other people Because of the discomfort of such direct questions , individuals tend to use indirect strategies . There are seven indirect strategies use to assess the state of their relationship . These indirect strategies are referred to as secret tests . Some secret tests actually invoke negative relational strategies such as , behaving negatively toward a partner , being overly demanding , creating distance , and testing a partner through a third fidelity check . Many secret tests may result in relational hurt or even relationship termination . Secret tests are labeled directness , endurance , indirect suggestions , public presentation , separation , third , an ( triangle test . Directness Test Directness is the least secretive of the strategies and involves asking the relational partner about feelings toward the relationship and commitment to the relationship . Alternatively , an individual might disclose their feelings about the relationship with the hope that the relationship partner ill reciprocate . Although this test may not feel comfortable at first , it can have positive outcomes and involves open communication . Though employing this test may lead to answers that one may not want to hear , at least information is obtained directly from the relationship partner . Research conducted by Melanie 500

and Rebecca indicates that individuals in more stable relationships are more likely to use this overt strategy . Endurance Test Endurance test is another form of secret testing in which the partner is tested by engaging in actions that the partner might perceive to be a cost in the relationship . If the partner remains in the relationship , then it is presumed that the partner is committed to the relationship . Research revealed three types of endurance tests behaving negatively toward the partner , criticizing oneself to the point of being annoying , and making a request that required the partner to exert a great deal of effort . Because the endurance test involves introducing cost into the relationship , individuals risk tipping the scales , creating more costs than rewards which social exchange theory tells us may result in relationship dissolution . Melanie and Rebecca explored secret test use in deteriorating ( Their research revealed that in unstable relationships , any secret test involving that deviated from what one would normally do in a relationship was associated with a desire for relationship disengagement . Indirect Suggestions Test third form of secret testing is indirect suggestions . Indirect suggestions involve joking or hinting about more serious stages of relationships such as marriage or having children . If joking about more serious stages in a relationship is met with laughter , flirting , or intimate touching , then it might be assumed that the partner is interested in pursuing a more serious relationship . Another indirect suggestion comes in the form of increasingly more intimate touch . If the intimate touch is received positively or reciprocated , then it is also assumed that there is a commitment to the relationship . Presenting the Relationship to Outsiders Test The fourth form of secret testing involves presenting the relationship to outsiders as a relationship in a mutual commitment is involved . This public presentation is meant to gauge the partner response . For , you might change your Facebook status to in a relationship to gauge your partner reaction . Another example is introducing your relationship partner as boyfriend and the reaction . This secret test is particularly risky because it may result in a public rejection . The advantage is that it might result in public acceptance . Separation Test A fifth secret test is the separation . Have you ever been in the beginning stages of a relationship and found it necessary to travel and hoped that your new relationship would the physical distance ?

At times , individuals intentionally create physical distance to test the strength of the relationship . If the relationship a few of separation , then this is an affirmation that the partner is committed . If the relationship partner does not attempt to make contact during the physical separation , then this may be a sign that there is a less than desirable level of interest . Test The sixth form of secret testing is testing . In this case , one might seek the opinion or insight 501

from the partner friends , members , or coworkers . Triangle Test The final form of secret testing is the triangle test . This test involves the manipulation of a third person to obtain information about the relationship . A common form of triangle testing is to induce reaction by mentioning an interested third party . For example , a relationship partner might be told that a classmate was making advances in class . The partner reaction to this information is presumed to be an indicator of the partner commitment . A fidelity check is another form of triangle testing in which a situation is created to allow the partner to The partner reaction is then observed . In more recent research , Rebecca and Melanie determined that relationship partners use different strategies when attempting to maintain a relationship than when attempting to end a relationship . These researchers determined that relationship partners who wish to maintain a relationship when the relationship seems to be coming to an end will use the direct secret test in which the partner is approached directly . On the other hand , individuals who wish to end a relationship will do so by utilizing a secret test such as jealousy . Still , these individuals also report having low . They concluded that individuals with low might use secret testing as a means to break up because they do not have the confidence to talk with the partner directly . Empty Apologies Apologies are a necessary part of everyday interactions and important to correcting either intentional or unintentional hurt created in others . Despite the positive aspect of apologizing , it is often difficult to do . If your guardians ever required you to apologize to a sibling , then you may recall the difficulty of uttering the words , I Conversely , some individuals use apologies so frequently that the apology becomes meaningless . An apology implies acknowledgment of Acknowledgment includes expression of responsibility , conveyance of remorse and direct request for forgiveness . Acknowledgment of should imply that there will be an effort to avoid repeated occurrences of the same behavior . Regardless of the difficulties presented by the need to apologize , the positive aspects must be considered . Apologies have positive benefits such as increased feelings of empathy for the offender and reducing the consequences for an offender . Individuals who offer more elaborate apologies receive more favorable evaluation , are blamed less , forgiven more , and liked more by the individuals to whom an apology is made . Apology influences how the victim feels after the negative Apology sincerity may alleviate strong negative emotions , including anger . Sincere apologies may also lead victims to think about conflict less negatively and be less vengeful . Internet Infidelity The amount of time spent by a wide range of people makes the Internet an adequate meeting place for relationships of all types . The Internet shrinks our world and enables individuals to find others with similar interests , desirable knowledge ( health information , how to clean , the best campgrounds , etc . and attractive qualities . might consider that the Internet provides privacy , the ability to interact frequently , and enables close proximity . Research shows that when it comes to Internet infidelity , partners perceive their infidelity to be more acceptable than their partner infidelity . Also , males find inv ( acts ( making plans , expressing love ) as more acceptable than Because of the murky nature of what constitutes infidelity via the Internet , researchers have worked to define it 502

accurately . Internet is defined as using sexual energy of any , feelings , and of a committed sexual in such a way that it damages the relationship , and then pretending that this drain in energy will affect neither partner nor the as long as it remains Partners take a harsher approach to Internet infidelity with their partners than Specifically , the researchers concluded that there is a double standard in Internet infidelity . Individuals find the Internet infidelity of their partner to be worse than their Internet infidelity . Also , relational partners use rules regarding Internet infidelity and have different expectations for self than for the relationship . Internet infidelity led to the murder of Google executive Forrest Hayes who was described as a loving father and husband . Hayes made an unfortunate decision to make contact with on ) After meeting with several times , she injected him with an overdose of heroin , and he was found dead on his yacht in Santa Cruz Craft Harbor the next ( lay . According to the Post , the woman coldly injected him with heroin and simply walked away . Her actions were caught on camera and she is now on trial Internet Characteristics Fostering Online Infidelity Contributing to the ease of forming relationships via the Internet are several characteristics identified through First , the Internet increases the speed with which messages are sent . Consider the difference in sending messages today in comparison to the early . Mail and phones were the means of use of emails and instant messaging increased the speed with which people could communicate . Reach is another characteristic of the Internet , which enables individuals to establish many more than in the past . Relationships were previously established by those in our immediate vicinity including our hometown , workplace , places for social gatherings , and churches . Now , our ( puts us in touch with people all over the world without ever leaving our home . Anonymity ( revelation of identity or lack thereof ) also opens up opportunities for relationships . Consider the case of Te in which anonymity allowed him to be fooled into believing that he had a girlfriend and that she died as the result of Finally , interactivity , defined as the ability to send and receive messages and react to these messages , makes the Internet a breeding ground for infidelity . An additional characteristic of the Internet that may deceive individuals into thinking that they are not engaged in infidelity is the lack of physical presence , which makes the issue of infidelity ambiguous . After all , if one is not physically present , how can one cheat ?

Research Spotlight and Carol set out to examine how men and women view Internet infidelity in a 2007 study . The started by having 43 undergraduates list what they thought could be Internet infidelity . The reviewed the ( led responses and paired down the list to the following having cybersex ( engaging in sexually explicit conversations with someone online ) A behavior ( with someone they met online ) emotional ( developing an emotional connection With someone online ) seeking another ( posting a personal ad online ) conversing with another ( having a conversation With someone online ) exchanging information ( giving personal information about yourself online , email address , cellphone number ) I

other ( engaging in casual conversational topics , not relational or emotional ones ) Based on these six categories and other literature on the subject , the researchers developed a measure aii ( narrowed it down to 27 items . The measure discovered two ( patterns of Internet ( acts ( chatting about sports , talking about current events , joking ) and ( disclosing love , viewing personal ads , making plans to meet someone ) The researchers ( that ) acts were rated as less severe than ) ones . it came to the severity of ) acts , there were no differences between females aii ( males in this study . However , females did find ( I Internet infidelity as more severe than ( lid men . Lastly , the researchers found that people tended to rate their Internet infidelity as less severe than they rated their partner infidelity on both aii ( acts . 2007 ) Internet ( Double standards and the differing views of women and men . Communication Quarterly , 55 ( Emotional . Sexual Infidelity The lack of physical presence in drives the need to differentiate between sexual infidelity and emotional infidelity . It seems clear that physical interaction with another individual constitutes sexual infidelity . Still , some individuals might that as long as there is no sexual intercourse , then there has been no infidelity . If we can all agree on when cheating has occurred after physical contact , then it is easy to see why there tends to be a great deal of disagreement as to what constitutes emotional infidelity . One might even question whether emotional attachment to an infidel outside of one primary constitutes infidelity at all . Sexual infidelity involves sexual intimacy and physical involvement . In contrast , emotional infidelity includes emotional involvement with another person , which leads one partner to channel emotional resources such as romantic love , time , and attention to someone For example , if you receive a promotion at work , it might be assumed that the first person you would tell would be your relational partner . However , if emotional resources have been directed toward another individual , then this individual may be the first individual you might call . The relationship partner might view this as a betrayal or a dependence on another individual at the very least . It was initially proposed that women would perceive emotional infidelity as worse than sexual infidelity and that men would perceive sexual infidelity in their partners as worse than emotional infidelity . This proposal developed from the evolutionary psychology perspective . In summary , this perspective indicates that males would be concerned with sexual infidelity because they had no way of knowing whether their mate was carrying their child and thus carrying on their genetic material . On the other hand , women were more concerned with emotional infidelity because women feared that their male counterparts would become attached to another female and that his resources ( money , time ) would be directed toward the other . Although this perspective provides insight into the basic differences between perspectives that might be held by females and males , research consistently shows that both females and males find sexual infidelity to be worse than emotional Researchers reported that sexual infidelity occurred in 30 to 40 of relationships . sexual infidelity occurs , research shows that how infidelity is discovered determines relational Voluntary admission seems to result in increased forgiveness , less likelihood of dissolution , and was the least damaging to relational quality . Hurtful Messages 504

Even in the closest , most satisfying relationships , people sometimes say things that hurt each other . have all been in the position of having our feelings hurt or hurting the feelings of another . feelings are hurt , individuals respond in different ways . Though messages have existed since humans began interacting , it was in that Anita first developed a typology of hurtful messages . Her work resulted in ten types of She furthered her work by exploring reactions to hurtful messages . First , we will discuss her typology of hurtful messages , and then we will address how individuals respond to hurtful messages . Types of Hurtful Messages Evaluations are messages that as . value or worth . These messages are a negative assessment of the other individual that result in hurt . One of the was once riding in a car with a coworker and his wife . He was driving and made an error . She said , You are the worst driver The moment was awkward for everyone . A AA A ( A I . A I I I ' A I I The second of message is an Accusations are an assignment of fault or blame Any number of topics be addressed in accusations A common source Ol conflict in relationships is money . An example of an accusation that might arise for conflict over money is You are the reason this family is in constant financial Directives Directives are the third type of hurtful message , and involve an order or a command . Go to hell is a common directive in some relationships depicted in movies and television , but is a more extreme example . In everyday interaction , examples might include , leave me alone , don ever call me again , or stay away from One of the remembers a relationship in which she called her boyfriend house . The boyfriend had told his mother that he was outwith her . The phone call to his house ultimately resulted in the boyfriend being punished for lying , but he relayed a potentially hurtful mes age to the coauthor , which was , Don ever call my house unless I ask you As noted , the relationship was , but the hurtful message indicating a lack of value for the coauthor feelings still stings . Informative Informative statements are hurtful messages that reveal unwanted information . A supervisor might reveal the following to an employee I only hired you because the owner made Siblings might reveal I never wanted a younger sister or When Mother was dying , she told me I was her Friends might say something like , you got a job at the same place as me , I felt Informative messages reveal information that could easily be kept a secret , but are intended to hurt . Statement of Desire ' I

A statement of desire expresses an individual preference . A romantic partner might state , the night I met you , I was more interested in your friend and really wanted to go out with A friend might , Callie has always been a better friend than A ) ar with multi ) le children mi state , I , I God only gives you one good Advising An advising statement calls for a course of action such as you need to get yourself some One of the inadvertently communicated an advising statement when a friend was talking about going on so many interviews and not getting hired . The coauthor said , There are courses that offer interview training . You could take a course in The statement hurt the coauthor friend as she was only seeking comfort and not advice that seemingly indicated she had poor interview skills . Question A question is another type of hurtful message which , when asked , implies something negative . A very direct hurtful question is , is with you ?

Another subtler question that might be perceived as hurtful is , You ve been at the bank for ten years . Have you been promoted yeti ) Threats Threats are messages that indicate a desire to inflict harm . Harm can be physical or psychological . For example , a romantic partner might say , if you go out with your friends tonight , I going to break up with A direct physical threat is a statement directed toward inflicting bodily harm such as , I going to knock the crap out of you if you don change out of that ( Jokes Jokes are another type of hurtful message that involves a prank or witticism . For example , a cousin might say to his athletically built female cousin , up quarterback thighs ?

implying that the female looks are masculine . In an organization , a coworker could jokingly comment to a supervisor on the supervisor relationship with a subordinate , I can see really in charge A prank can be hurtful if it results in humiliating or the object of the prank . Pranks are sometimes carried too far . he Breakfast Club includes a perfect example of a prank carried too far when the jock explains that he and his Wrestling buddies the butt checks of a nerd . It was meant to be funny , but results in physical injury to the nerd . Jokes in the form of witticism are often open to interpretation , but hurt may result if the recipient feels that the sender intended to hurt more so than humor . Pranks that embarrass or cause physical harm often create emotional pain for the recipient . Lies Lies are deceptive speech acts that result in the hurt of the recipient . In an episode of he King of Queens , Doug tells his wife Carrie that her forehead is too big after she hurt his feelings . He didn really feel that way , but his words resulted in Carrie trying to cover her forehead because she was embarrassed that her forehead was too Lies can range from the mundane such as I was late for dinner because I was on the phone with my to I going to San Diego on Lies , when discovered , may result in feelings of being disrespected or betrayal . 506

Reactions to Hurtful Messages After exploring the types of hurtful messages that exist , Anita and Linda investigated the reactions have to hurtful The results of and investigation revealed three broad categories of reactions active verbal responses , responses , and responses . Active verbal responses involve attacking the other , defending the self , and asking for an explanation . Suppose that and a romantic partner go to friends for dinner . Upon entering the home , you take off your shoes . Your romantic partner poses a hurtful question , such as what is wrong with you ?

kind of guest takes off their ?

An active verbal response that attacks the other is nothing is wrong with me . Wrong with you , you idiot ?

Everybody knows wearing street shoes bring in germs and Alternatively , one might respond by saying , nothing is wrong with me . It is perfectly normal to take one shoes off when entering another Finally , one might ask for an explanation , such as do you think there is something wrong with me Acquiescent responses involve , conceding , or apologizing . This type of response demonstrates that the message is hurtful or that the recipient believes they have engaged in some wrongdoing . For example , if a friend , I never Want to see you again , a conceding response might be , that fine . I won bother you Alternatively , an apologetic response is , I am so sorry . Is there something I can do to change your mind ?

Finally , hurtful messages can result in ) responses . have all heard the phrase sticks and stories may hurt my bones , but words will never hurt This phrase , while not true , does demonstrate a desire to demonstrate . Reactions of range from ignoring the message to laughing . Recall the example from the directive message earlier in which one of the was told not to call the boyfriend house . Although the coauthor felt that the message was disrespectful , the response was to laugh . The boyfriend was told that his directive was ridiculous and that if she was going to be used as an excuse , then he should be smart enough to let her in on that little secret unless he was lying to her , too . Keg Takeaways Because it is considered taboo to ask relational partner about the nature of the relationship , one or both relational partners may use secret tests . Inherent characteristics of the Internet may facilitate infidelity . Emotional infidelity is particularly challenging because relationship partners may not agree on what constitutes infidelity . Hurtful messages are a part of the human experience , but they can be avoided by becoming aware of the types of messages that exist . Review the types of secret tests . For each type , provide an example from your life in which you have engaged in the secret test or a friend doing so . For each example , state whether you believe the secret test was helpful or harmful and why . I

Create of emotional . Ask three friends to come up with their of emotional . Compare and contrast the four . After reading the section on Internet and Internet characteristics , your example in the popular media that relates to one of the characteristics of the Internet that seems to facilitate . For example , you might choose the characteristic Find an article in the popular media in which speed played a role in an individual ability to cheat in the virtual environment . in a group , create an example of each type of hurtful message from your own life that you have experienced or Witnessed . VVhat was the reaction ?

Label the reaction according to and Reaction Types . The Dark Side of Relationships Aggression . Explain relational aggression . Explore relational aggression among women . Define and explain the term aggression . Describe bullying and bullying in the workplace . ma 22 ( DEC LU ' Explain basic strategies for handling the dark side of interpersonal communication . Relational Aggression Relational aggression is as behaviors that harm Harm is created through damaging social relationships or feelings of acceptance . Research on relational aggression indicates that it involves both confrontational and ( behaviors . behaviors associated with , or direct behavior , include , cruel teasing , ridicule , and verbal rejection directed at the target . or indirect behaviors include spreading rumors , gossiping , and social ' Adolescents use indirect aggression more than direct aggression to harm relationships . Relationally Aggressive Categories hen researching 11 to , categories of relationally aggressive behaviors were The categories are labeled inconsistent friendships , friends , social intimidation , and aggression . Additional research seven types of aggressive behaviors among high school Based on descriptions from high school girls , the following categories of relational aggression were found the physical attack , rejection , humiliation , betrayal , personal attack , manipulation , and relational depreciation . In addition to the categories of relationship aggression , it is essential to note that gossiping and spreading rumors were the most common forms of relational aggression across age Relational Aggression in College Bad and Normal 508

Current research indicates relational aggression begins in childhood and extends into workplace . Maintaining an awareness of may help to avoid this situation in the future . A challenge with relational aggression among Women is that it is known to be negative and yet labeled as ( Evidence of this dual perspective on relational aggression among women is found within the media in movies such as Mean Girls ( also a Broadway musical ) Because of the acceptance of this behavior as negative and normal , conversations were held with women to understand their explanation for engaging in negative behavior . Through these conversations , several themes emerged . These themes included ( a ) girls will be girls ( relational aggression as venting ( blaming the victim ( minimizing their role and ( regret . girls will be girls theme is especially problematic because it indicates that women know that relational aggression negative consequences , but they accept it as normal . Researchers report that Women when discussing relational aggression made such statements as something you expect among Women , drama and gossip and cattiness and typical girl They concluded that women continue to engage in relational aggression because it is perceived to be normal . In other words , it is acceptable because everyone is doing ' The second theme that emerged in discussions of relational aggression among Women was relational aggression as venting . regularly described gossiping , and talking behind someone back as cathartic in nature . It was described as a form of stress relief . It was concluded that women View this form of communication as acceptable because it is beneficial . This excuse makes it okay to vent to other women even if it might be harmful if discovered by the The third theme among women discussing relational aggression was blaming the The majority of Women reported that the targets were to blame for the aggressive behavior because they were either crazy or engaged in sexually inappropriate behavior . Other reasons given were that the target was either mean to them first or For example , one girl reported targeting her roommate , Whom she knew to be mentally She blamed the girl by stating that the girl should taken her medicine more regularly to control her behavior better . Additionally , the majority of women in their study stated that they engage in relational aggression because the target engaged in inappropriate sexual behavior . A fourth theme related to relational aggression emerged in which women attempted to minimize their role . Study participants mainly reported that they were simply going along with the actual perpetrator and acted as an audience member . Individuals described themselves as listeners rather than being the real aggressor . Another Way in which women attempted to minimize their role was to compare their behaviors to others . This comparison served to demonstrate that their behavior was not as aggressive as that of others . Finally , women discussed feeling regret for having behaved in a relationally aggressive manner . Though the Women did express regret , their regret was generally paired with blaming the victim . For example , participants acknowledged that they felt bad for behaving as they did even though the target was crazy . Verbal Aggression Defining Verbal Aggression Verbal aggression is defined as communication that attacks an individual intending to create psychological pain . If you ever had an argument and been called a name or been , I

then you have been the target of verbal aggression . Verbal aggression is considered a destructive form of communication . Because verbal aggression is regarded as a negative form of communication , researchers have worked to determine characteristics that may increase the likelihood of individuals behaving in an aggressive manner . Researchers found that six dimensions of ( defensive , moral , lovability , likability , and integration ) were significantly and negatively related to trait verbal History of familial verbal aggression was positively with the perceived of verbal aggression against a romantic partner , and this . association was stronger for with higher behavioral inhibition system scores . Individuals with high behavioral inhibition are more likely to be anxious and react nervously when facing punishment . In other words , people who have been exposed to verbal aggression are more likely to find it acceptable to engage in verbal aggression against a relational partner , especially when the individual also scores high in behavioral inhibition . Also , individuals who score high in behavioral inhibition are more likely to find verbal aggression to be acceptable regardless of Whether they have been exposed to verbal aggression in the past . Perceptions of Verbal Aggression If your guardians ever told you that it wasn What you said , it was the way you said it , then they were offering you sage advice . Research shows that when engaged in interpersonal disputes smaller amounts of verbal aggression were perceived when the affirming communicator style ( relaxed , and attentive ) was Thus the style of communication impacted the perception of the message . Table provides a list of the ten most common examples of verbally aggressive Type of Message Example Character Attacks You re a lying jerk ! Competence Attacks You re too stupid to manage our finances . Background Attacks You don even have a college degree ! Physical Appearance You are as fat as a pig ! Maledictions I wish you were ( lead . Teasing Your hair color makes you look like a clown . Ridicule Your nose looks like a beak . Threats I leave you and you won have a dime to your name . Swearing Go to Nonverbal Emblems shaking fists , off Table Verbally Aggressive Messages Bullying Bullying is a form of communication in which an aggressive individual targets an individual who is perceived to be weaker . Bullying is a form of aggressive in which a person of greater power attempts to inflict harm or discomfort on individuals . This definition also indicates that the behavior is repeated over time . For example , a child might call his friend an idiot on the playground one ( lay . A single incident of would not be considered bullying , but if it happened day after day , then 510

the would be considered bullying . You may have been bullied or known someone who was bullied . It is also possible that you bullied someone . Bullies use their authority , size or power to create fear in others . Bullying is known to have negative consequences , such as dropping out of school . It was found that the actions leave their victims feeling helpless , anxious , and Other researchers report three types of bullying physical , verbal , and relational . Physical Bullying Physical bullying involves hitting , kicking , pulling hair , strapping a female bra strap or giving a easily observe this type of bully . You may recall being the victim of these behaviors , engaging in these behaviors , or watching others engage in these behaviors . Physical bullying can be prevented by observers , such as teachers or even peers . There are several Public Service Campaigns directed toward bystanders to let the bystander know that they can help prevent or stop bullying . However , bullies may corner their victims in a more private setting , knowing that the weaker will not be able to defend themselves . Relational Bullying The second type of bullying is indirect or relational bully . This form of bullying is the manipulation of social relationships to inflict hurt upon another This type of bullying includes either withholding friendship or excluding . Relational bullying often increases as children age because physical bullying decreases . Relational bullying is particularly problematic because it is very painful for victims , but can not be readily observed . One might wonder what a teacher or guardian might do when two friends suddenly begin to exclude a third friend . The rejection is so painful , but it seems nearly impossible to require adolescents to continue liking and including the rejected child . An interesting finding in relation to this type of bullying is that females are more likely to engage in this form of bullying . Verbal Bullying The third type of bullying is verbal bullying and includes threats , degrading comments , teasing , or sarcastic This form of bullying is easily observed as well and can be prevented by authorities and peers . The effects of this form of bullying are similar to the impact of physical and relational Figure Consequences of Bullying 51 '

bullying . negative consequences of childhood bullying driven communication scholars to develop tools to provide to teachers and other authority figures . Researchers developed a model to assist teachers in discerning , teasing from destructive Teasing Totter Model outlines behaviors that range from teasing to bullying and offers recommendations for ing to each . Teasing in a manner is usually done among friends , laughter is involved and even affection . Bullying , on the other hand , is a repeated negative behavior in which the victim is visibly tressed . There is a clear power difference in size , age , or ability . Cyberbullying The inherent ease of using the Internet and communicating via the Internet has created an excellent and convenient venue for bullying . Cyberbullying is intentional harm inflicted through the medium of electronics that is repeated over time . 52 affects victims academically and socially with 20 of victims reporting Internet avoidance . 53 When using electronic communication technologies , young people are exposed to interpersonal violence , social aggression , harassment , and mistreatment . includes behaviors such as flaming , which involves posting provocative or abusive posts , and outing where personal information is posted . Cyberbullying is so prevalent that social media such as Facebook have policies to help users avoid this phenomenon . Consider how often you engage with your peers through social media versus your counterparts who were adults in the . Opportunities for communicating with peers were limited to or via landline phones . Thus opportunities for bullying could be confined to school or landline phones such that bullying was limited to eight hour school and phone calls that could be ended immediately upon becoming uncomfortable . Now , there is no end to when bullying can take place . can take place , and the only way to avoid it is to cut off a major from of staying connected with one world via cell phone or Internet . Researchers are just now beginning to understand the impact of , and some Discovering Who are you ?

What should I do if I being bullied , harassed or attacked by someone on Facebook ?

Facebook offers these tools to help you deal With bullying and harassment . Depending on the seriousness of the situation Unfriend Only your friends can contact you through Facebook chat or post messages on your Timeline . Block This will prevent the person from starting chats and messages with you , adding you as a friend and viewing things you share on your Timeline . Report the person or any abusive things they post . The best protection against bullying is to learn how to recognize it and how to stop it . Here are some tips about what you should and shouldn do Don respond . Typically , bullies want to get a response don give them one . Don keep it a secret . Use Facebook Trusted Friend tool to send a copy of the abusive content to someone you trust Who can help you deal with the bullying . This Will also generate a report to Facebook . Document and save . If the attacks persist , you may need to report the activity to an and they will want to see the messages . Visit Facebook Family Safety Center for more information , tools and resources . 512

speculate that cyberbullying is worse than traditional bullying , but research shows mixed results on this , assertion . Research Spotlight In 2013 , an ( set out to determine what makes a bully a cyberbully . They recruited children aged in 233 European countries . The researchers also interviewed at least one of the children parents for the study . The total sample size was . The questionnaire the researchers use ( was translated into 25 ( languages . The interviews took place in the children home . Any sensitive questions were asked on a private questionnaire . As you can see , this project was a massive undertaking . Of the participants , admitted to engaging in behaviors either online or that could be ( as bullying . The researchers found that ( all else being equal ) were at least four times as likely to engage in risky online activities an ( twice as to spend more time online as well as ( ling it easier to be themselves ' Furthermore , the researchers found that girls were more to engage in ) than bullying when compared to their male counterparts . 2013 ) Vhat makes a a the characteristics of ) across 25 European countries . journal of Children 55 Media , Workplace Bullying Typology Though it is hard to imagine among adults , bullying continues in work environment . Bully can lead to loss of employment , poor attendance and depression . There are several of bullying . In research conducted with nurses , a typology of bullying was created that is particularly The typology of these researchers includes the bullying behavior and related tactics . Workplace bullying behaviors involve those seen in Table . As you can see , workplace bullying behaviors involve a Wide range of tactics . Behaviors Tactics Isolation and exclusion Being ignored Being excluded from conversation Being isolated from supportive peers Being excluded from activities Intimidation and Threats Raised voices or raised hands Being stared at , watched and followed Tampering With or destroying personal belongings Compromising or obstructing patient care Verbal threats 513 '

Being singled out , scrutinized and monitored Being yelled at or verbally abused Being stood over , or Belittlement and humiliation Verbal , insults or humiliation Spreading gossip Being given a denigrating nickname Blamed , made to feel stupid or incompetent Suggestions of madness and mental instability Mistakes highlighted publicly Damaging Professional Identity Public denigration of ability or Questioning skills and ability Being given demeaning work Unsubstantiated negative performance claims Spreading rumors , slander , and character slurs Questioning competence or credentials Limiting career Opportunities Denial of opportunities that lead to promotion Being overlooked for promotion Excluded from and activities Exclusion from educational opportunities to erode specialist skills Obstructing work or makin difficult Relocation to make job difficult Removal of administrative support Excluded from routine information organized to isolate Removal of necessary equipment Given excessive or unreasonable Workload Sabotaging or hampering Work Varying targets and deadlines Excessive scrutiny of Work Denial of due process and natural justice ) 11 ,

Denial of due process in meetings Denial of meal breaks Compiling unsubstantiated Written records Denial of sick , study or conference leave Unfair practices Economic sanctions to shift work Limiting the opportunity to work Dismissal from position Reclassifying position to lower status Table Bullying in the Behaviors and Tactics Communicating Effectively Relationships involve work ! Media portrays relationships as romantic endeavors , and darker si ( le of relationships remains buried . In , individuals may be inclined to hide relationship difficulties , which further perpetuates the notion that relationships simply happen and that everyone lives happily ever after . Communicating Anger Research repeatedly demonstrates that emotion is communicated will affect the outcome of the communication situation . Relationship partners are more satisfied when positive emotions are communicated rather than negative emotions . Four forms of anger expression have been four forms of anger expression range from direct and nonthreatening to avoidance and denial of angry feelings . Anger expression is more productive when the emotion is communicated directly and in a nonthreatening manner . In most circumstances , direct communication is constructive . Form of Expression Explanation of Form Assertion Direct statements , nonthreatening , explaining anger Aggression Direct and threatening , may involve criticism Passive Aggression Indirectly communicate negative affect in a destructive manner the silent treatment Avoidance Avoiding the issue , denying angry feelings , pretending not to feel anything Table Forms of Anger Expression Affirming Communicator Style communicating ith one relational partner , adopting an affirming communicator style may lead to positive outcomes . The affirming communicator style was initially to involve friendly , relaxed , and attentive The friendly communicator style involves encouraging others , 515 '

acknowledging others contributions , and being tactful in communication with others . The relaxed style involves being calm and collected while avoiding nervous mannerisms that indicate that one is tense . Being attentive involves listening carefully to others and demonstrating an empathic approach to others . Research has demonstrated that the affirming communicator style causes receivers to perceive that there is less verbal aggression . Deception One aspect of the dark side of interpersonal communication to be considered is deceptive communication . We are all familiar with the concept of lying and deception . VVe are taught from a young age that we should not lie , but we often witness the very people instructing us not to lie engaging in little white lies or socially acceptable lies . As communication scholars , we must distinguish between a lie that is told for the benefit of the receiver and a lie that is told with more malicious intent . Lies told with more malicious intent are referred to as deception and are the focus of this and David Buller define deception as , a deliberate act perpetuated by a sender to engender in a receiver beliefs contrary to what the sender believes is true to put the receiver at a Deceptive communication can exist in any type of relationship and in any context . Dan Hair and Michael Cody discuss deception as a common message strategy that is used in a manner similar to other forms of communication . 52 They state that deception is often purposeful , and can be used as a relational control device . VVe will begin our discussion of deception by exploring three types of deception . This discussion will be followed by exploring the work of Jennifer Guthrie and , who discussed why romantic partners use deception and how Types of Deception Three types of deception are discussed in the field of communication falsification , concealment , and Falsification is when a source deliberately presents information that is false or fraudulent . For example , the source of deception may state , I did not drink when I went out last night , even though the source did drink . Researchers have found that falsification is the most common form of deception . Concealment is another form of deception in which the source deliberately ( information . For example , if two partners are living in two different states and one partner is offered a job in the same state as the other partner , but the job offer is not revealed to the other partner , then concealment has occurred . Consider the consequences of concealment in this situation . By failing to reveal the job offer , the source is preventing the receiver from operating with all of the known facts . For example , a decision to remain in a relationship might be affected if one partner is not willing to take a job that will mean living in the same state . The third form of deception is referred to as equivocation . This form of deception represents a moral grey area for some because some see equivocation as a clear lie . Equivocation is a statement that could be interpreted as having more than one meaning . For example , you ask your romantic partner if she talked to her last night , and she says , no , I didn talk to him , but she did text with him , then an equivocation has occurred . Technically , the statement , I did not talk to him is true , but only technically because communication ( lid occur in a different form . Consider how the answer may have been changed if the question was , Did you communicate with your last ?

Now that we have discussed what deception is and several types of deception , we can examine how deception functions in romantic relationships . 516 Lies in Romantic Relationships Jennifer Guthrie and explored reasons romantic partners engage in deception in their article titled Tell Me Sweet ( And ) Little Lies Deception in Romantic The researchers asked 67 college students to record deceptive communication in diaries for seven . At the end of seven days , the students returned their diaries . The researchers counted the deceptive communication acts in all of diaries and determined that the 67 students produced 327 deceptive acts in a period . The results of this part of their study showed that of the deceptive acts were lies , 61 were , accounted for 56 of deceptive acts , 35 of deceptive acts were diversionary responses , 26 were secrets , and two uses of deception were not able to be categorized due to lack of detail in the diary . On average , each participant engaged in deceptive acts in seven days . In addition to studying how often participants lied , Guthrie and the students lied . The students provided 331 reasons for the 327 deceptive acts that they reported . The researchers were able to place the reasons into six overarching motives for lying engaging in relational maintenance , managing face needs , negotiating dialectical tensions , establishing relational control , continuing previous deception , and unknown . In the table that follows , each motive for deception is broken down further . were interested in why Managing Face Needs Supporting Positive Face Supporting or partner positive face ( protecting partner feelings and ) Supporting Negative Face Supporting partner negative face ( avoiding unwanted activities imposition ) Negotiating Dialectical Tensions Balancing Connection Balancing the need for independence versus the need for togetherness Balancing Balancing the need for open communication versus the need for privacy Balancing Balancing the need for spontaneity versus the need for routine or expected behaviors Establishing Relational Control Acting Coercive Ensuring partner behaves or feels how partner Wants them to Continuing Previous Deception Participants indicated that they had lied about something in the past and the particular act of deception Was a of continuing or maintaining the lie Unknown Participants reported that they could not identify their motives for using deception Tal ) Deceptive Acts 517 '

Through this exploration of the frequency of lies and motives for doing so , Guthrie and uncovered an important finding . The students in the study responded positively to examining their deceptive acts . They also discovered that students held inaccurate perceptions of their use of deception and either or how often they engaged in deception . The researchers concluded that reflecting upon deception will allow individuals to understand how deception impacts relationships in both positive and negative ways . Awareness seems to be key to managing deception in romantic relationships . Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence Domestic violence is the willful intimidation , physical assault , battery , sexual assault , other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another . It includes physical violence , sexual violence , threats , and em ) The Center for Disease Control ( expands upon this definition and labels domestic violence as intimate partner These include sexual violence , stalking , physical violence , and aggression . The National Intimate Partner and Sexual ( an intimate partner is described as a romantic or sexual partner and includes spouses , boyfriends , girlfriends , people with whom they dated , were seeing , or hooked According to the 2075 Data Brief one in three were victims of contact sexual violence , physical violence , or stalking by an intimate partner during their One in four ( 30 million ) women and one in ten ( million ) men reported intimate partner impact which includes being fearful , concerned for safety , need for medical care , needed help from law enforcement , missed at least one day of work , missed at least one day of school , any stress disorder symptoms , need for housing services , need for victim advocate services , need for legal and contacting a crisis . Sexual violence is a specific form of domestic violence that may be experienced by women and men and includes rape , which can consist of being forcibly penetrated ( or penetrating ) someone else , sexual coercion , and unwanted sexual contact . The considers an individual to be a stalking victim if they experienced multiple stalking tactics or a single stalking tactic multiple times by the same perpetrator and felt fearful , or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed as a result of the The following behaviors are considered to be stalking by the Unwanted phone calls , voice or text messages , Unwanted emails , instant messages , messages through social media Unwanted cards , letters , or presents or following from a distance , spying With a listening device , camera , or global positioning system ( Approaching or showing up in places , such as the victim home , workplace , or school when it was unwanted Leaving strange or potentially threatening items for the victim to find Sneaking into the victim home or car and doing things to scare the victim or let the victim know the perpetrator had been there In questions , respondents who were identified as possible stalking victims were asked about 518

their experiences with two additional tactic . Damaged personal property or belongings , such as in their home or car Made threats of physical harm Sally Fiona Kelly explored aggression concerning violent sentiments . 72 In her study , she sought to understand Why individuals engaged in violent behavior . Her study demonstrates that individuals who have committed violent acts in a relationship believe violence is acceptable and are prepared to use violence . This suggests that one approach to reducing violence is to focus on changing beliefs and thoughts associated with violence . Strategic communication scholars can create campaigns to target beliefs related to violence . In a similar study , participants predicted that women would become more aggressive while watching videos of males and females in conflict . When Watching videos of couples , males predicted the conflict would lead to increasing levels of aggression more often than females . Male participants also recommended the use of more aggressive behaviors during conflict . 73 Thus this study underscores the change perceptions of the acceptability of aggressive behavior . This same study assessed participant perceptions of the likelihood of conciliatory strategies on the part of the individuals in fights . Participants in the study believe the chance of forgiveness and resolution decreased as conflict increase . In light of this finding , relational partners should apologize and forgive earlier in conflict to reduce escalation that may increase the chance of violence . Being Mindful Gaining an awareness of destructive communication behaviors in relationships may help avoid the emotional consequences of destructive communication as well as the loss of a relationship . Individuals engage in information seeking strategies to gain insight into the current ) As discussed earlier in this chapter , one such strategy is secret testing . This strategy ranges from the not so secretive direct secret test to the entrapping triangle Other secret tests involve endurance , indirect suggestions , public presentation , separation , and testing . Although secret tests may allow relationship partners to understand their relationship through subtle and sometimes overt information seeking , the direct approach seems to be the one that relationship partners use when they wish to maintain the relationship . Relational aggression is a harmful form of behavior that serves to either withhold friendship or manipulate the social relationships of another individual . This form of behavior is particularly prevalent among females and begins in early childhood and continues into the Workplace . The consequences of relational aggression are emotional pain and withdrawal . Verbal aggression is a communication strategy in which the is attacked rather than arguing about the issues of a controversial topic . The impact of verbal aggression can be lessened if the communicator used and affirming style of communication . Bullying is similar to verbal aggression and relational aggression . Bullying is a destructive form of communication in which the aggressor targets an individual who is weaker either in strength , size , or ability . The effects of bullying can range from relatively mild ( hurt feelings ) to devastating ( successful suicide attempts ) One can not wholly escape the possibility of becoming a victim of the darker side of communication . Still , individuals can Work to avoid engaging in the behaviors associated with the dark side of communication . To do so , consider adopting an affirming style of communication , focusing on the topic during arguments rather than the of others , and Working to prevent bullying when it is ' I

observed in others . Also , relational aggression can be avoided by refusing to engage in the behavior and refusing to participate when others are doing so . In particular , we should not simply accept that relational aggression is a natural occurrence among females . Finally , talk with your partner about their beliefs concerning aggressive behavior and violence to make sure your partner does not believe violence is an acceptable means of dealing with conflict . Keg Takeaways Relational Aggression is a hurtful form of communication which manipulates relationships and social standing . The consequences of bullying range from lowered to suicide attempts , may or may not be successful . Verbal aggression attacks the of others rather than attacking an issue . Intimate partner violence is pervasive with male and female victims . Know your partner beliefs about the acceptability of aggression and violence . There are several ways can attempt to diffuse and downplay the effects of the dark side of interpersonal communication . First , people can learn how to communicate anger effectively . Second , people can develop an affirming communicator style . Lastly , people can learn how to be mindful of their ( communicative behavior . Relational aggression results in and lowered . Design a plan to help a child who may experience or enact relational aggression . Verbal aggression is a negative form of communication in which the of another is attacked . Describe a situation in which you engaged in verbal aggression . How will you avoid verbal aggression in future interactions ?

If you are the target of verbal aggression , how will you approach the perpetrator of this behavior ?

Once entering the workplace , you may become a manager of people , or you may already manage people . How will you help your colleagues and subordinates avoid bullying ?

If you discover that bullying has occurred , What will you do to correct the situation ?

But beware of the ( lark side . Anger , fear , a the dark side of the Force are they , easily they flow If once you start ( the dark path , forever will it dominate your . Consume you , it will The concept of the dark side stems from the struggle between good and evil put forth by George Lucas in Star Wars back in 1977 . The metaphor of the dark side has been used by communication scholars to look at a rang of interpersonal relationship that are highly problematic and destructive . VVe started this chapter by examining a few destructive interpersonal behaviors secret testing , 520

Internet infidelity , and hurtful messages . We then switched our focus to highly destructive world of interpersonal aggression . We looked at how interpersonal relationships can be both Verbally and destructive . If you find yourself in a verbally or cally destructive interpersonal relationship , please seek help . No one deserves to be belittled , demeaned , or assaulted . End of Chapter Bullying Reasons for Relational Aggression Confrontational Behaviors Relational Aggression Directness Relational Bullying Endurance Test Secret Tests Indirect Suggestions Separation Test Internet Characteristics Testing Internet Triangle Test Intimate Partner Violence Types of Workplace Bullying Behaviors Verbal Bullying Physical Bullying Carrie daughter , Diana , had only been at Birmingham High School a few months when she formed a friendship with three girls Lisa , Lucy , an ( Kristen . The girls were great friends , and spent a amount of time on the phone an ( at the mall on the ( The girls graduated from gra ( le and moved on to high school . During their freshman year , Diana took a ( to Lisa and began campaigning against her . At some point , Diana decided that the group should no longer include Lisa . When spending the night with Kristen , Diana asked Kristen to call Lisa to get her to talk about her behind her back . She planned to confront Lisa if she talked about her . She plotted with Lucy and Kristen to get them to ignore Lisa when she came to sit with them at lunch . In a act to eradicate Lisa from the group , she coaxed Lucy into Writing a note Kristen to say that she didn want to be friends with Lisa anymore . The plan was for Diana to find the note and then give it to Lisa so that she could see how Kristen and Lucy felt about her . The girls moved forward with their plan to write the note and give it to Lisa . After Lisa received the note , she went to Kristen to find out what was going on . She was devastated and . Kristen felt terrible for her , but she didn betray her friendship with Diana . Later , Lisa mom called Carrie to talk about the situation an ( determine what could be done . hat term describes the behavior demonstrated by the girls iii the scenario ?

Is it reasonable to expect Kristen and Lucy to stand up to Diana ?

hat , in your opinion , caused Diana to exclude Lisa ?

hen Carrie found out about her daughter behavior , what was her ?

as it acceptable for Lisa mom to call Carrie ?

hat would you do in this situation ?

52 ' I END OF CHA ER . form of seCret test involves physical distance ?

endurance separation third party public presentation triangle test . Verbal aggression is defined as attacking the of others attacking the topic in an argument manipulating social relationships of others using one power to intimidate others isolating the of . Relational aggression is best as manipulating the social relationships of others attacking the of others attacking the topic in an argument using one power to intimidate others isolating the . of the following is not a form of workplace bullying ?

a . Damaging professional standing . Limiting the ability to complete work Obstructing due process Verbal threats Providing counseling through human resources upon reports of bullying in of the following is not included in playful teasing ?

a . Parties are Friends . Repeated occurrences of the same behavior Signs of affection Parties smile and laugh Parties are using teasing to ) roaCh difficult topics , 522 References Baxter , 1984 ) Secret tests Social strategies for acquiring tion about the state of the relationship . Human Communication Research , 22 ( Berger , Calabrese , 1975 ) Some explorations in initial interaction and beyond Toward a theory of interpersonal communication . Human Communication Research , Baxter , 1985 ) Taboo topics in close relationships . Journal and Personal Relationships , 2001 ) Secret test use and in deteriorating . Communication Research Reports , Ibid . Ibid . 2005 ) An investigation of communication and outcomes . Communication Quarterly , 53 ( Brown , Hight , 1998 ) Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships II Theoretical elaboration and measurement . of Personality and Social Psychology , 75 ( Darby , 1982 ) Children reactions to apologies . Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , 43 ( 10 , Bono , Root , 2007 ) Rumination , emotion , and forgiveness Three studies . and Social Psychology , 92 ( 11 , A . 2007 ) Internet Double standards and the differing views of women and men . Communication Quarterly , 55 ( 12 Shaw , I . 1997 ) Treatment rationale for Internet . of Sex Education and Therapy , 22 ( 13 , A . 2007 ) Internet Double standards and the differing views of women and men . Communication Quarterly , 55 ( 14 Phillip , A . 2014 , prostitute arrested in death of a Google executive . Washington Post . Retrieved from 15 Barnes , 2001 ) Online communication Internet interpersonal relationships . Hampton Press . 16 , I . 2001 ) Navigating the Internet with awareness . Yale University Press . 17 Turkle , 1995 ) Life on the screen Identity in the age of the Internet . Simon . 18 Story of Te girlfriend a hoax . 2013 , 17 ) Retrieved from 19 , Buss , 1997 ) Cues to . Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin , 23 ( 10 ) 20 Carpenter , I . 2009 ) A in responses to sexual . Emotional per Presentation . International Communication Association . Retrieved from Communication and Mass Media Complete . 21 Guerrero , Yoshimura , 2004 ) Sexual and emotional jealousy . In Harvey , Wenzel , The handbook in close relationships ( 22 , Weiner , 2001 ) Identity concerns following a severe relational sion The role of discovery method for the relational outcomes of . Journal of Social and Personal , 18 ( 23 , 1998 ) Reactions to messages that hurt The of relational II ' I

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