Interpersonal Communication A Mindful Approach to Relationships Talking and Listening

i ii Canto Touch or . Image by a Chapter Talking and Listening are constantly interacting with people . VVe interact with our family and friends . VVe interact with our teachers and peers at school . customer service representatives , office coworkers , and so many other different people in average day . Humans are inherently social beings , so talking and listening to each other is a huge part of what we all do ( The Importance of Conversations . Realize the importance of conversation . Recognize the motives and needs for interpersonal communication . ca . Discern conversation habits . Most of us spend a great deal of our day interacting with other people through What is known as a conversation . According to Apps , the Word conversation is comprised of the words can ( With ) 218

and ( turn ) conversation is turn and turnabout you As such , a conversation isn a monologue or singular speech act its a process where two people engage with one another in interaction that has multiple turns . Philosophers have been writing about the notion of the term conversation and its importance in society since the mitten word began ?

For our purposes , we will leave the to the philosophers and start with the underlying assumption that conversation is an important part of the interpersonal experience . Through conversations with others , we can build , maintain , and terminate relationships . Coming up with an academic for the term conversation is not an easy task . Instead , Donald Allen and Rebecca Guy offer the following explanation Conversation is the primary basis of direct social relations between persons . As a process occurring in , conversation constitutes a reciprocal and rhythmic interchange of verbal emissions . It is a sharing process which develops a common social From this explanation , a conversation is how people engage in social interaction in their lives . From this perspective , a conversation is purely a verbal process . For our purposes , we prefer Susan Brennan Conversation is a joint activity in which two or more participants use linguistic forms and nonverbal signals to communicate . Brennan does differentiate conversations , which can involve two or people , from dialogues , which only involve two people . For our purposes , this distinction isn critical . VVhat is essential is that conversations are one of the most common of communication . There is growing concern that in today highly mediated world , the simple conversation is becoming a thing of the past . Sherry Turkle is one of the foremost researchers on how humans communicate using technology . tells the story of an who uses texting for of his interactions . The boy told Turkle , Someday , someday , but certainly not now , I like to learn how to have a she asks Millennials across the nation whats wrong with holding a simple conversation I tell you what wrong with having a conversation . It takes place in and you can control what you re going to So that the bottom line . Texting , email , posting , all of these things let us present the self as we want to be . get to edit , ari ( that means we get to delete , and that means we get to retouch , the face , the voice , the flesh , the ) too little , not too much , just right . Is this the world we now live in ?

Have people so addicted to their technology that holding a simple is becoming passe ?

You should not take communication for granted . Reading this book , you will notice how communication can be critical in our personal and professional lives . is a vital component of our life . A few years ago , a prison decided to lessen the amount of communication inmates could have with each other . The prison administrators decided that they did not want inmates to share information . Yet , over time , the prisoners developed a way to communicate with each other using codes on walls and tapping out messages through pipes . Even when inmates were not allowed to talk to each other via , they were still able to find other ways to Types of Conversations David Angle argues that conversations can be categorized based on directionality ( or way ) and ( cooperative or competitive ) conversations are conversations where an individual is talking at the other person and not with the other person . Although these exchanges are technically conversations because of the inclusion of nonverbal feedback , one of the conversational ' I

partners tends to monopolize the bulk of Cooperative Competitive the conversation the other partner is more of a passive receiver . conversations , on the other hand , are conversations where there is mutual involvement and interaction . In conversations , people are actively talking , providing nonverbal feedback , and listening . In addition to one interactions , Angle also believes that conversations can be broken down on Whether they are cooperative or competitive . Cooperative conversations are marked a mutual interest in what all parties within the conversation have Dialogue Debate Diatribe Figure Four Types of Conversations to contribute . Conversely , individuals in competitive conversations are more concerned With their points of View than others Within the conversation . Angle further breaks down his typology of conversations into four distinct types of conversation ( Figure ) Discourse The first type of conversation is cooperative , which Angle labeled discourse . The purpose of a discourse conversation is for the sender to transmit information to the receiver . For example , a professor delivering a lecture or a speaker giving a speech . Dialogue The second type is what most people consider to be a traditional conversation the dialogue ( cooperative ) According to Angle , The goal is for participants to exchange information and build relationships with one When you go on a first ( late , the general purpose of most of our conversations in this context is dialogue . If conversations take on one of the other three types , you could find yourself not getting a second ( late . Debate The third ) of conversation is the ) conversation which An le labels . The debate conversation is less about information giving and more about persuading . From this perspective , debate conversations occur When the ultimate goal of the conversation is to Win an argument or persuade someone to change their thoughts , values , beliefs , and behaviors . Imagine you re sitting in a study group and you re trying to advocate for a specific approach to your group project . In this case , your goal is to persuade the others within the conversation to your . 220

Diatribe Lastly , Angle discusses diatribe ( competitive ) goal of diatribe conversation is to express emotions , browbeat those that disagree with you , inspires those that the For example , imagine that your best friend has come over to your dorm room , apartment , or house to vent about the grade they received on a test . Communication Needs There are many reasons why we with other , but what are our basic communication needs ?

The first reason why we communicate is for to communicate with others because it keeps us . There been a direct link to mental and cal needs . Research has shown that we need health . For instance , it been shown that people who have cancer , depression , and even the cold , can alleviate their symptoms simply by communicating with others . People who communicate their problems , feelings , and thoughts with others are less likely to hold grudges , anger , hostility , which in turn causes less stress on their minds and their bodies . Another reason Why we communicate with others is that it shapes who we are or identity needs . Perhaps you never realized that you were until your friends told you that you were quite humorous . Sometimes , we become who we are based on what others say to us and about us . For instance , maybe your mother told you that you are a gifted miter . You believe that information because you were told that by someone you respected . Thus , communication can influence the way that we perceive ourselves . The third reason we communicate is for social needs . VVe communicate with others to initiate , maintain , and terminate relationships with others . These relationships may be personal or professional . In either case , we have motives or objectives for communicating with other people . The concept of communication motives was created by Rebecca Rubin . She found that there are six main reasons Why individuals communicate with each other control , relaxation , escape , inclusion , affection , and pleasure . Control motives are means to gain compliance . Relaxation motives are ways to rest or relax . Escape motives are reasons for diversion or avoidance of other activities . Inclusion motives are ways to express emotion and to feel a link to the other person . tion motives are ways to express one love and caring for another person . Pleasure motives are Ways to communicate for enjoyment and excitement . To maintain our daily routine , we need to communicate with others . The last reason we communicate is for practical needs . To exchange information or solve problems , we need to talk to others . Communication can prevent disasters from occurring . To create or sustain a daily balance in our lives , we need to communicate with other people . Hence , there is no escaping communication . VVe do it all the time . Keg Takeaways Communication is very important , and we should not take it for granted . There are six communication motives control , affection , relaxation , pleasure , inclusion , and escape . There are four communication needs physical , identity , social , and practical . Communication habits are hard to change . 22 ' I

if you were unable to talk to others verbally in a situation . How would you adapt your communication so you could still communicate with others would you pick method ?

Create a list of all reasons you communicate and categorize your list based on communication motives and needs . do you think communicate in the way that do ?

Reflect on how you introduce yourself in a new situation . down what you typically say to a stranger . You can role play with a friend and then switch roles . did you notice ?

How many of those statements are habitual ?

Sharing Personal Information . Describe motives for . Appreciate the process of . Explain the consequences of . ma 22 ( DEC LU ' Draw and explain Window . One of the primary functions of conversations is sharing information about ourselves . In Chapter , we discussed Berger and Calabrese Uncertainty Reduction Theory ( One of the basic axioms of is that , as verbal communication increases between people when they first meet , the level of uncertainty decreases . Specifically , the type of verbal communication generally discussed in initial interactions is called is the process of purposefully communicating information about one self . sums up as permitting one true self to be known to As we intro ( luce the concept of in this section , it important to realize that there is no or wrong way to ( Different people ( for a wide range of different reasons and purposes . and found that can vary for several reasons Personality traits ( shy people less than people ) Cultural background ( cultures disclose more than Eastern cultures ) Emotional state ( happy people more than sad or depressed people ) Biological sex ( females more than males ) Psychological gender ( androgynous people were more emotionally aware , topically involved , and invested in their interactions feminine individuals disclosed more in social situations , and masculine individuals generally did not demonstrate meaningful across ) Status differential ( lower status individuals are more likely to personal information than individuals ) Physical environment ( soft , warm encourage While hard , cold 222

discourage ) Physical contact ( touch can increase , unless the other person feels that their personal space is being invaded , which can decrease ) channel ( people often feel more comfortable when they re not , on the telephone or through ( communication ) As you can see , there are quite a few things that can impact how happens when people are interacting during interpersonal encounters . Motives for So , what someone to ?

and found two basic reasons for social integration and management . 15 Social Integration The first reason people information about themselves is simply to develop interpersonal relationships . Part of forming an interpersonal relationship is seeking to demonstrate that we have commonality with another person . For example , let that it the beginning of a new semester , and you re sitting next to someone you ve never met before . You strike up a conversation While you re waiting for the professor to show up . During those first few moments of talking , you re going to to establish some kind of . Maybe you learn that you re both communication majors or that you have the same favorite sports team or band . helps us find these areas where we have similar interests , beliefs , values , attitudes , etc As humans , we have an innate desire to be social and meet people . And research has shown us that is positively related to The more We to others , the more they like us and vice versa . However , we should mention that appropriate versus depends on the nature of your relationship . we first meet someone , we do not expect that person to start disclosing their deepest darkest secrets . this happens , then we experience an expectancy violation . expectancy violation as an understanding of what happens when an individual within an interpersonal interaction violates the norms for that ' original expectancy violation ( primarily analyzed what happened when individuals communicated in a manner that was unexpected ( standing too close while talking ) Over the years , has been expanded by many scholars to look at a range of different situations when communication expectations are As a whole , predicts that when individuals violate the norms of communication during an interaction , they will evaluate that interaction negatively . However , this does depend on the nature of the initial relationship . If we ve been in a relationship with someone for a long time or if it someone want to be in a relationship With , we re more likely to overlook expectancy violations . So , how does this relate to Mostly , there are ways that we that are considered during different types of interactions and . VVhat you disclose to your best friend will be different than What you disclose to a stranger at the bus station . hat you disclose to your therapist will be different than What you disclose to your professor . you meet a stranger , the types of tend to be reasonably topics your , sports teams , bands , the weather , etc . If , however , you decide to information that is overly personal , this would be perceived as a violation of the types of topics that are normally disclosed during initial interactions . As such , the other person is probably going to try to get out of that conversation pretty quickly . people ' I

disclose information that is inappropriate to the context , those interactions will generally be viewed more From a standpoint , these commonalities With others helps reinforce our concept . that others share the same interests , beliefs , values , attitudes , which demonstrates that how we think , feel , and behave are similar to those around us . Admittedly , it not like we do all of this Impression Management The second reason we tend to is to portray a specific impression of who are as individuals to others . Impression management is defined as the attempt to generate as favorable an impression of ourselves as possible , particularly through both verbal and nonverbal techniques of Basically , we Want people to view us in a specific Way , so we communicate With others in an attempt to get others to see us that Way . Research has found we commonly use six impression management techniques during interpersonal interactions , accounts , apologies , entitlements and enhancements , and ' 25 The first type of impression management technique we can use is , or talking about specific characteristics of ourselves . For example , if you Want others to view you professionally , you would talk about the work that you ve accomplished . If you want others to see you as someone fun to be around , you Will talk about the parties ve thrown . In both of these cases , the goal is to describe ourselves in a manner that we want others to see . Accounts The second type of impression management is accounts . Accounts are explanations of a creating event designed to minimize the apparent severity of the According to Gardner and Mark , in accounts , actors may deny events occurred , deny causing events , offer excuses , or justify 27 Basically , accounts occur when an individual is attempting to explain something that their may already know . For the purposes of initial interactions , imagine that you re on a first date and your date has heard that you re a bit of a player . An account may be given to downplay your previous relationships or explain away the rumors about your previous dating history . Apologies The third type of impression management tactics is apologies . According to Barry , apologies are are designed to convince the audience that the undesirable event should not be considered a fair representation of what the actor is really An apology occurs when someone admits that they have done something mong While attempting to downplay the severity of the incident or the outcomes . Imagine you just found out that a friend of yours told a personal story about you during class as an example . Your friend could offer an apology , admitting that they shouldn have told the story , but also emphasize that it not like anyone in the class knows who you are . In essence , the friend admits that they are Wrong , but also the possible outcomes from the inappropriate disclosure of your story . 224

and Enhancements The fourth type of impression management tactic is the use of entitlements and . Entitlements and enhancements are designed to explain a desirable event in a way that the desirable for the Primarily , entitlements are designed to maximize an actor apparent responsibility for an event are designed to maximize the of an event In this case , the goal is to one self look even better than maybe they actually are . For our examples , let look at entitlements and separately . For an of an entitlement , imagine that you re talking to a new peer in class and they tell you about how they organized a wildly popular concert that happened over the weekend . In this case , the individual is trying to their responsibility for the party in an effort to look good . For an example of an enhancement , imagine that in the scenario , the individual talks less about how they ( lid the event and talks more about how amazing the event itself was . In this case , they re aligning themselves with the event , so the more amazing the event looks , the better you perceive them as an individual . The fifth impression management tactic is the use of flattery , or the use of to get the other person to like you more . In this case , there is a belief that if you flatter someone , they will see you in a better light . Imagine there a new player on your basketball team . Almost , they start you on your form and how they wish they could be as good as you are . In this case , the person may be honest , but the use of flattery will probably get you to see that person more positively as well . Favors The last tactic that researches have described for impression management is favors . Favors involve doing something nice for someone to gain that person One way that we get others to like us is to do things for them . If we Want our peers in class to like us , then maybe we share our notes with them when they re absent . We could also volunteer to let someone use our washer and dryer if they don have one . There are all kinds of favors that we can do for others . Although of us don think of favors as tactics for managing how people perceive us , they have an end result that does . Social Penetration Theory In 1973 , and Taylor were interested in discovering how individuals closer to each They believed that the method of was similar to social penetration and hence created the social penetration theory . This theory helps to explain how individuals gradually become more intimate based on their communication behaviors . According to the social penetration theory , relationships begin when individuals share layers and move to more intimate layers of personal and Taylor believed that individuals discover more about others through . How people comprehend others on a deeper level helps us also gain a better understanding of ourselves . The researchers believe that penetration happens gradually . The scholars describe their theory visually like an onion with many rings or levels A person personality is like an onion because it has many layers ' I

( Figure ) have an outer layer that can see ( hair color or height ) and we have very personal layers that people can not see ( our dreams and career aspirations ) Three factors affect what people chose to disclose . The first is personal characteristics ( introverted or ) The second is the possibility of any reward or cost with disclosing to the other person ( information might have repercussions if the receiver does not like or agree with you ) And the third is the situational context ( telling your romantic partner that you want to terminate the relationship on your wedding day ) people first meet each other , they start from their outer rings and slowly move towards the core . The of i researchers described how people typically would go through various Figure Social Penetration Theo , stages to become closer . The first stage is called the orientation stage , where people on superficial matters like the weather . The next stage is the exploratory affective stage , where people will disclose more about their feelings about normal topics like favorite foods 01 ' movies . Many of our friendships remain at this stage . The third stage is more personal and called the affective stage , where people engage in more private topics . The fourth stage is the stable stage , where people Will share their most intimate details . The last stage is not and does not necessarily happen in every relationship , it is the stage , where people start to decrease their disclosures . Social penetration theory also contains two different aspects . The first aspect is breadth , which refers to what topics individuals are willing to talk about with others . For instance , some people do not like to talk about religion and politics because it is considered inappropriate . The second aspect is depth , which refers to how deep a person is Willing to go in discussing certain topics . For example , some people don mind sharing information about themselves in regards to their favorite things . Still , they not be willing to share their most private thoughts about themselves because it is too personal . The researchers believe that by to others both in breadth and depth , then it could lead to more relational closeness . Window The name is a combination of the two researchers who originated the concept Joseph ( Io ) and ( hari ) The basic idea behind the is that we build in our interpersonal relationships as we revealing information about ourselves , and we learn more about ourselves as we receive feedback from the people with whom we are interacting . As you 226

can see in Figure , the Window is represented by four window panes . Two window panes refer to ourselves , and two refer to others . First , when discussing ourselves , we have to be aware that somethings about ourselves are known to us , and others are not . For example , we may be completely aware of the fact that we are and love talking to people ( known to self ) However , we may not be aware of how others ten ( to view our extraversion as positive or negative ( to self ) The second part of the window is what is ( to others and unknown to others . For example , some common 11 ( to others includes your height , weight , hair color , etc . At the time , there is a bunch of information that people don know about us deepest desires , Figure Window joys , goals in life , etc . Ultimately , the Johan Window breaks this into four different quadrants ( Figure ) Open Self Known to Self Unknown to Self Open Blind Self Self Unknown Self The first quadrant of the is the open self , or when information is known to both ourselves and others . Although some facets are automatically known , others become known as we disclose more and more information about ourselves with others . As we get to know people and disclose and increasingly deeper levels , the open self quadrant grows . For the of thinking about discussions and , the open self is where the bulk of this work ultimately occurs . Information in the open self can include your attitudes , beliefs , behaviors , experiences , and values that are ( to both the person and to others . For example , if you wear a religious symbol around your neck ( Christian Cross , Start of David , Islamic Crescent Moon and Star , etc . people will be able to ascertain certain facts about your religious beliefs immediately . Hidden Self The second quadrant is what is known to ourselves but is not ( to others . All of us have personal information we may not feel compelled to reveal to others . For example , if you re a member of the community , you may not feel the need to come out during your first encounter with someone new . It also possible that you keep this information from your friends and family for a long 227

. Think about your own life , what types of things do you keep hidden from others One of the reasons we keep things hidden is because it hard to open ourselves up to being vulnerable . the hidden self will decrease as a relationship grows . However , if someone ever violates our trust and discusses our hidden self with others , we are less likely to keep disclosing this information in the future . If the trust violation is extreme , we may discontinue that relationship altogether . Blind Self third quadrant is called the blind self because it what we don know about ourselves that is by others . For example , hiring an initial interaction , we may not know how the other person is reacting to us . may think that we re coming off as friendly , but the other person may be perceiving us as shy or even pushy . One way to decrease the blind self is by soliciting feedback from others . As others reveal more of our blind selves , we can become more of others perceive us . One problem with the blind self is that people view us and how we view ourselves can often be radically different . For example , people may perceive you as cocky , but in reality , you re scared to death . It important to decrease the blind self during our interactions with others , because how people view us will determine how they interact with us . Unknown Self Lastly , we have the unknown self , or when information is not known by ourselves or others . The unknown self can include talents , behaviors , capabilities , etc . that are unknown to us or others . For example , you may a natural talent to play the piano . Still , if you ve never sat down in front of a piano , neither you nor others would any way of knowing that you the for playing the piano . Sometimes parts of the unknown self are just under the surface and will arise with time and in the right , but other times no one will ever know these unknown parts . One other area that can affect the unknown self involves prior experiences . It possible that you experienced a traumatic event that closes you ( in a specific area . For example , imagine that you are an amazing writer , but someone , when you were in the fourth grade , made fun of a story you wrote , so you never tried again . In this case , the talent for writing has been stamped out because of that one traumatic experience as a child . Sadly , a lot of us probably have a range of , behaviors , capabilities , etc . that were stopped because of traumas throughout our lives . Keg Takeaways to share information with others . It allows us to express our thoughts , feelings , and behaviors . includes levels of disclosure , reciprocity in disclosure , and appropriate disclosure . There can be positive and negative consequences of . These consequences can strengthen how you feel or create distance between you and someone else . The is a model that helps to illustrate and the 228

process by you interact with other people . Create a diagram for yourself . VVhat topics are you open to talk about ?

VVhat are you not willing to discuss ?

Then compare with another student in class . How were you similar or dissimilar ?

do you think these similarities exist ?

Think of a time when you ve used the six different impression management techniques . How effective were you with each technique could you have done differently ?

Draw your . Fill in each of the window panes with a topic of . You will probably need to ask a close friend or family member to help you with the unknown self pane . did you put what you put ?

Does it make sense I 23 Listening . Differentiate between hearing and listening . Understand how to listen effectively . ca . Recognize the different types of listening . hen it comes to daily communication , we spend about . of our listening , 30 speaking , 16 reading , and However , most people are not entirely sure What the word listening is or to do it effectively . Hearing Is Not Listening Hearing refers to a passive activity where an individual perceives sound by detecting vibrations through an ear . Hearing is a physiological process that is continuously happening . are bombarded by sounds all the time . Unless you are in a room or are 100 deaf , we are constantly hearing sounds . Even in a room , other sounds that are normally not heard like a beating heart or breathing will become more apparent as a result of the blocked background noise . Listening , on the other hand , is generally seen as an active process . Listening is focused , concentrated attention for the purpose of understanding the meanings expressed by a source . 37 From this perspective , hearing is more of an automatic response when your ear perceives information whereas , listening is what happens when we purposefully attend to different messages . We can even take this a step further and differentiate normal listening from critical listening . Critical listening is the careful , systematic thinking and reasoning to see whether a message makes sense in light of factual From this perspective , its one thing to attend to someone message , but something very different to analyze what the person is saying based on known facts and evidence . Let apply these ideas to a typical interpersonal situation . Let say that you and your best friend are '

having dinner at a crowded restaurant . Your ear is going ( be attending to a lot of different messages all the time in that environment , but most ( those messages get out as background noise , information we don listen to at all . Maybe then your favorite song ( on the speaker system the restaurant is playing , and you and your best friend ( th attend to the song because you both like it . A minute earlier , another song could have been playing , but you tuned it ( ut ( hearing ) instead of taking a moment to enjoy and attend to the song itself ( listen ) Next , let say you and your friend get into a discussion about the issues of campus parking . Your friend states , There never any parking on campus . What gives ?

Now , if you re critically listening to what your friend says , you question the basis of this argument . For example , the word never in this is problematic because it ( uld mean that the campus has zero available parking , which is probably ii ( the case . Now , it may be difficult for your friend to find a parking spot on , but that doesn mean that there never any In this case , you ve gone ( ni just listening to critically evaluating the argument your friend is making . Model of Listening created one of the most commonly used models for Although not the only model of listening that exists , we like this model because it breaks the process of hearing down into clearly differentiated stages hearing , understanding , remembering , interpreting , evaluating , and responding ( Figure ) Stage Stage Stage Stage Stage Stage Hearing Understanding Remembering Interpreting Evaluating Responding Figure . Model of Listening Hearing From a fundamental perspective , for listening to occur , an individual must attend to some kind of communicated message . Now , one can argue that hearing should not be equated with listening ( as we did above ) but it is the first step in the model of listening . Simply , if we don attend to the message at all , then never occurred from the perspective . Imagine you re standing in a crowded bar with your friends on a Friday night . You see your friend Dairy and yell her name . In that instant , you , as a source of a message , have attempted to send a message . If is too far away , or if the bar is too loud and she doesn hear you call her name , then has not engaged in stage one of the listening model . You may have tried to initiate communication , but the receiver , did not know that you initiated . Now , to engage in mindful listening , it important to take hearing seriously because of the issue of intention . If we go into an interaction with another person without really intending to listening to what 230

they have to say , we end up being a passive listener who does nothing more than hear and nod our heads . Remember , mindful starts with the that we must think about our intentions and be aware of them . Understanding The second stage of the listening is understanding , or the ability to comprehend or decode the source message . When we discussed the basic models of human communication in Chapter , we discussed the idea of decoding a message . Simply , decoding is when we attempt to break down the message we ve heard into comprehensible meanings . For example , imagine someone coming up to you asking if you know , of in inverted , metallic resonant Even if you recognize all of the words , you may not completely comprehend what the person is even trying to say . In this case , you can not decode the as an , that means jingle Remembering Once we ve decoded a message , we have to actually remember the message itself , or the ability to recall a message that was sent . are bombarded by messages throughout our day , so its possible to attend to a message and decode it and then forget it about two seconds later . For example , I always warn my students that my brain is like a sieve . If you tell me something when I leaving the class , I could easily have forgotten what you told me three seconds later because my brain switches gear to what I doing next I run into another student into in the hallway another thought pops into my head etc . As such , I always recommend emailing me important things , so I don forget them . In this case , its not that I don understand the message Ijust get distracted , and my remembering process fails me . This problem plagues all of us . Interpreting The next stage in the Model of Listening is interpreting . Interpreting messages involves attention to all of the various speaker and contextual variables that provide a background for accurately perceived So , what do we mean by contextual variables ?

A lot of the interpreting process is being aware of the nonverbal cues ( both oral and physical ) that accompany a to accurately assign meaning to the message . Imagine you re having a conversation with one of your peers , and he , I love , the text itself is demonstrating an overwhelming joy and calculating . However , if the message is accompanied by an eye roll or is said in a that makes it sound sarcastic , then the meaning of the oral phrase changes . Part of interpreting a message then is being sensitive to nonverbal cues . Evaluating The next stage is the evaluating stage , or judging the message itself . One of the biggest hurdles many . if . people 11 ive with listening is the evaluative stage Our personal biases values and beliefs can prevent us from effectively listening to someone else message . Let that you despise a specific politician . It gotten to the point where if you hear this politician voice , you change the television channel . Even hearing other people talk about this politician causes you to tune out completely . In this case , your ( bias against this politician I ' I

prevents from effectively listening to message or even others messages involving this politician . Overcoming our own biases against the source of a message or the content of a message in an effort to truly listen to a message is not easy . One of the reasons listening is a difficult process is because of our inherent desire to evaluate people and ideas . it to evaluating another person message , it important to remember to be mindful . As we discussed in Chapter , to be a mindful communicator , you must listen with an open ear that is . Too often , we start to evaluate others messages with an analytical or cold quality that is antithetical to being mindful . Responding In Figure , hearing is represented by an ear , the brain represents the next four stages , and a person mouth represents the final stage . It important to realize that effective listening starts with the ear and centers in the brain , and only then should someone provide feedback to the message itself . Often , people jump from hearing and understanding to responding , which can cause problems as they jump to conclusions that have arisen by truncated interpretation and evaluation . Ultimately , how we respond to a source message will dictate how the rest of that interaction will progress . If we outright dismiss someone is saying , we put up a roadblock that says , I don want to hear anything On the other hand , if we nod our heads and say , tell more , then we are encouraging the speaker to continue the interaction . For effective communication to occur , it essential to consider how our responses will impact the other person and our relationship with that other person . Overall , when it comes to being a mindful listener , it vital to remember COAL curiosity , openness , acceptance , and VVe need to go into our interactions with others and try to see things from their points of view . we engage in COAL , we can listen and be in the moment . Taxonomy of Listening Now that we ve introduced the basic concepts of listening , let examine a simple taxonomy of listening that was created by Andrew and Carolyn . The basic premise of the and taxonomy of listening is that there are fundamental parts to listening and then aspects of listening ( Figure ) Let look at each of these parts separately . Discriminative The base level of listening is what and called discriminative listening , or distinguishing between auditory and visual stimuli and determining which to actually pay attention to . In many ways , discriminative listening focuses on how hearing and seeing a wide range of different stimuli can be filtered and used . re constantly bombarded by a variety of messages in our lives . have to discriminate between which messages we want to pay attention to and which ones we won . As a metaphor , think of discrimination as your email inbox . Every you have to filter out messages ( aka spam ) to find the messages you want to actually read . In the same way , our brains are constantly bombarded by messages , and we have to some in and most of them out . Comprehensive 232

If we achieve discriminative listening , then we can progress to comprehensive listening . Comprehensive listening requires the listener to use the Therapeutic , Critical , Appreciative discriminative skills while functioning to understand and recall the speaker If we go back and look at Figure , we can see that comprehensive I listening essentially aligns with understanding and remembering . and argued that discriminative and comprehensive listening are foundational levels of listening . If these foundational levels of listening are , then they can progress to the other three , levels of listening therapeutic , critical , and appreciative . Figure Tax ( of Listening Therapeutic Therapeutic listening occurs when an individual is a sounding board for another person during an interaction . For example , your best friend just fought with their other and they ve come to you ( talk through the situation . Critical The next aspect of listening is critical listening , really analyzing the message that is being sent . Instead of just being a passive receiver of information , the essential goal of listening is to determine the acceptability or validity of the message ( someone is sending . Appreciative Lastly , we have appreciative listening , which is when someone simply enjoys the act of listening or the message being sent . For example , let say you re watching a Broadway musical or play or even a new movie at the cinema . you may be engaged critically , you also may be simply appreciative and enjoying the act of listening to the message . Listening Styles Now that we have a better understanding of how listening works , lets talk about four different styles of 233

listening researchers have identified . Larry Barker , defined listening styles as attitudes , beliefs , and predispositions about the how , where , when , Who , and what of the information reception and encoding et al . identified four distinct listening styles people , content , action , and time . Before progressing to learning about the different listening styles , take a minute to complete the measure in Table , The Listening Style Questionnaire . The Listening Style Questionnaire is based on the original work of , Barker , and . The Four Listening Styles People The first listening style is the listening style . listeners tend to be more focused on the person sending the message than the content of the message . As such , listeners focus on the emotional states of of information . One way to think about listeners is to see them as highly compassionate , and sensitive , which allows them to put themselves in the shoes of the person sending the message . listeners often work well in helping professions where listening to the person and understanding their feelings is very important ( therapist , counselor , social worker ) listeners are also focused on maintaining relationships , so they are good at casual where they can focus on the person . Action The second listening style is the listener . listeners are focused on What the source Wants . The listener Wants a source to get to the point quickly . Instead of long , lectures , the speaker would prefer quick bullet points that get to what the source desires . listeners tend to preference speakers that construct organized , direct , and logical hen dealing with an listener , it important to realize that they want you to be logical and get to the point . One of the things listeners do is search for errors and inconsistencies in , so it important to be organized and have your facts straight . Content The third type of listener is the listener , or a listener who focuses on the content of the message and process that message in a systematic ' Of the four different listening styles , oriented listeners more adept at listening to complex information . listeners believe it is important to listen fully to a speaker message prior to forming an opinion about it ( While action 17 listeners tend to become frustrated if the speaker is Wasting time ) hen it comes to analyzing messages , listeners really Want to dig into the itself . They want as much information as possible in order to make the best evaluation of the message . As such , they want to look at the time , the place , the people , the who , the what , the where , the When , the how all of that . They don want to leave anything out . Time 234

The final listening is the listening style . listeners are sometimes referred to as clock Watchers because they re always in a and want a source of a message to speed things up a bit . listeners tend to verbalize the limited amount of time they are willing or able to devote to listening and are likely to interrupt others and openly signal They often feel that they are overwhelmed by so different tasks that need to be completed ( Whether real or not ) so they usually try to accomplish multiple tasks While they are listening to a source . Of course , multitasking often leads to someone attention being divided , and information being missed . Thinking About the Four Listening Types Kina Mallard broke the four listening styles and examined some of the common positive characteristics , negative characteristics , and strategies for communicating with the different listening styles ( Table ) Listener Strategies for Communicating Positive Characteristics Ne Characteristics with Listeners Show care and concern for Over involved in feelings of Use stories and illustrations to others others make points . Use We rather than I in Are Avoid seeing faults in others . conversations clear Verbal and emotional Use emotional examples and nonverbal feedback signals states of others appeals Are interested in building Are overly expressive when Show some when relationships giving feedback possible . Are ) in Use humor or Notice others moods quickly . building relationships illustrations Listeners Strategies for Communicating Positive Characteristics Ne Characteristics . with Listeners , Tend to be impatient with Keep main points to three or Get to the point quickly . rambling speakers fewer Give clear feedback concerning Jump ahead and reach Keep presentations short and expectations conclusions quickly concise Concentrate on understanding Jump ahead or finishes Have a plan and task thoughts of speakers label each step 235

Instructions Read the following questions and select answer that corresponds with how ten ( to listen to public speeches . Do not ) concerned if some of the items appear similar . Please use the scale below to rate the ( to which each statement applies to you Strongly Disagree Neutral Strongly Agree Disagree . I am very attuned to public speaker emotions while listening to . I keep my attention on a public speaker feelings Why they speak . I listen for areas of similarity and difference between me and a public speaker . I generally don pay attention to a speaker emotions . listening to a speaker problems , I find myself attentive . I prefer to listen to people arguments while they are speaking . I tend to tune out technical information when a speaker is speaking . I wait until all of the arguments and evidence is presented before judging a speaker message . I always fact check a speaker before forming an opinion about their message . it comes to public speaking , I want a speaker to keep their opinions to and just give me the facts . 11 . A speaker needs to get to the point and tell me why I should care . 12 . Unorganized speakers drive me crazy . 13 . Speakers need to stand up , say what they need to say , and sit . If a speaker wants me to do something , they just say it directly . 15 . a speaker starts to ramble on , I really start to get irritated . I have a problem listening to someone give a speech I have other things to do , places to be , or people to see . 17 . I don have time to listen to a speech , I have no problem telling someone . someone is giving a speech , I constantly looking at my watch or clocks in the room . 19 . I avoid speeches when I don the time to listen to them . 20 . I have no problem listening to a speech even when I in a . Scoring Listener A Add scores for items , and place total . Place score for item on the line . Take the total from A add to the score . Place the new number the line . 236

Step ( ur ( subtract from Place your score on the . Listener A Add scores for items , 10 and place total on . Place score for item on the line . Take the total from A add to the score . Place the new number on the line . Final Score ( subtract from Place your final score on the . Listener Final ( re Add items 11 , 12 , 13 , 14 , 15 Listener A Add scores for items 16 , 17 , 19 and place total on . Add scores for items 18 20 and place total on . Take the total from A and add 12 to the ( re . Place the new number on the line . Final Score ( subtract from Place your final score on the . Interpretation For each of the four , scores should be between and 25 . If your score is above 18 , you are considered to have high levels of that listening style . If your score is below 12 , you re considered to have low levels of that listening style . Based On Watson , Barker , Weaver , 111 . 1992 , March ) Development and validation of the Listener . Paper presented at the International Listening Association in Seattle , WA Table Listening Style Questionnaire ' 11

Listeners Positive Characteristics Help others focus on what important Encourage others to be organized and concise Negative Characteristics Minimize relationship issues and concerns Ask blunt questions and appear overly critical Strategies for Communicating with Listeners for cues of disinterest and pick up vocal pace at those points or change subjects Speak at a rapid but controlled rate Listeners Positive Characteristics Value technical information Test for clarity and understanding Encourage others to provide support for their ideas complex and challenging information Look at all sides of an issue Negative Characteristics Are overly detail oriented May intimidate others by asking pointed questions Minimize value of nontechnical information Discount information from Take a long time to decisions Strategies for Communicating with Listeners Use arguments when possible Provide hard data when available Quote credible experts Suggest logical sequences and plan Use charts and graphs Listeners Positive Characteristics Manage and save time Set time guidelines for meeting and conversations Let others know requirements Discourage wordy speakers , Negative Characteristics Tend to be impatient with time wasters Interrupt others Let time affect their ability to concentrate Rush speakers by frequently looking at Strategies for Communicating with Listeners Ask how much time the person to listen Try to go under time limits when possible Be ready to cut out necessary examples and information Be sensitive to nonverbal cues indicating impatience or a desire to leave 238

Listeners Strategies for Communicating Positive Characteristics Negative Characteristics with , Listeners Give cues to others when time is Limit in others by . Get to the bottom line quickly being wasted imposing time pressures Original Source Mallard , 1999 ) Lending an ear The chair role as listener . The Department Chair , Used with Permission from the Author Table Understanding the Four Listening Styles Hopefully , this section has helped further understand the complexity of listening . should mention that people are not just one listening style or another . It possible to be a combination of different listening styles . However , some of the listening style combinations are more common . For example , someone who is and will want the information so they can make a decision . On the other hand , it hard to be a listener and listener because being empathic and attending to someone feelings takes time and effort . MINDFULNESS ACTIVITY One of the hardest skills to master when it comes to mindfulness is mindful listening . To engage in mindful listening , Elaine recommends using the HEAR method . HALT Halt whatever you are doing and offer your full attention . ENJOY Enjoy a breath as you choose to receive Whatever is being communicated to or unwanted . ASK Ask yourself if you really know what they mean , and if you don , ask for clarification . Instead of making assumptions , bring openness and curiosity to the interaction . You might be surprised at what you discover . REFLECT Reflect back to them what you heard . This tells them that you were really For this mindfulness activity , We want you to engage in mindful listening . Start by having a conversation with a friend , romantic ) or member . Before be the conversation , find a location that has minimal distractions , so try not to engage in this activity in a public space . Also , turn off the television and radio . The goal is to focus your attention on the other person . Start by employing the HEAR method for listening during your conversation . After you have finished this conversation , to answer the following questions How easy it for you to provide your conversational partner your full attention hen stray thoughts entered your head , how did you refocus yourself ?

ere you able to pay attention to your breathing While engaged in this conversation ?

you breathing or heavily ?

Did your breathing get in the way of you listening If yes , what happened ?

Did you attempt to with your conversational partner ?

How easy was it to understand Where were coming from ?

Was it still easy to if didn agree with something they said or didn like something they said ?

How did your listening style your to stay mindful while listening ?

Do you think all four listening styles are suited for mindful listening ?

Keg Takeaways Hearing happens when sound waves hit our eardrums . Listening involves processing these sounds into something meaningful . The listening process includes having the motivation to listen , clearly hearing the message , paying attention , interpreting the message , evaluating the message , remembering and responding . There are many types of listening , evaluative , empathetic , and appreciative . Do a few listening activities . Go to ( I ) For the next Week , do a listening diary . Take notes of all the things you listen to and analyze to see if you are truly a good listener . Do you ask people to repeat things ?

Do you paraphrase ?

After the Listening Styles Questionnaire , think about your listening style and how it impacts how you interact With others . should you think about when communicating with people who have a different listening style ?

24 Listening Responses . Discuss different types of listening . Discern different types of questioning . Analyze perception checking . ho do you think is a great listener ?

Why did you name that particular person ?

How can you tell that person is a good listener ?

You recognize a good listener based on the nonverbal and verbal cues that they display . In this section , we Will discuss different types of listening responses . VVe all don ' IA , listen in the each situation is different and requires a distinct style that is appropriate for that situation . Types of Listening Responses 240

( Lawrence , and Russell Proctor are three interpersonal scholars ( have done quite a bit with Based on their research , they have found different types of listening responses silent listening , questioning , paraphrasing , empathizing , supporting , analyzing , evaluating , and advising ( Figure ) Asking questions to understand the situation better . Rephrasing in your own words what the speaker said . Putting yourself in the same situation to understand what the speaker means . Showing that you endorse the I Questioning I Paraphrasing I Empathizing I Supporting Analyzing Considering possible solutions to what the speaker has action . I Advising Counseling , recommending , and offering information that will help the speaker . Figure . Types of Listening Responses Silent Listening Silent listening occurs when you say nothing . It is ideal in certain situations and awful in other situations . However , when used correctly , it can be very powerful . If misused , you could give the wrong impression to someone . It is appropriate to use when you don want to encourage ( re talking . It also shows that you are open to the speaker ideas . Sometimes people get when someone doesn respond . They might think that this person is not listening or trying to av ( id the situation . But it might be due ( the fact that the person is just trying to gather their thoughts , perhaps it would be inappropriate ( respond . There are certain situations such as in counseling , where silent listening can be beneficial because it can help that person figure out their feelings and emotions . 241

Questioning In situations where you want to get answers , it be beneficial to use questioning . You can do this in a variety of ways . There are several ways to question in a sincere , way ( see Table ) Reason Example To meanings A young child mumble something and you want to make sure understand what they said . To learn about others thoughts , feelings , and hen you ask your partner where they see your wants ( questions ) relationship going in the next few years . To encourage elaboration Nathan says That has to ask him further if he means interesting in a positive or negative way . To encourage discovery Ask your parents how they met because you never knew . To gather more facts and details Police officers at the scene of the crime will tion any witnesses to get a better understanding of what happened . Table Types of Questioning You might different types of questions . Sincere questions are ones that are created to find a genuine answer . Counterfeit questions are disguised attempts to send a message , not to receive one . Sometimes , counterfeit questions can cause the listener to be defensive . For instance , if someone asks you , Tell how often you used The speaker implies that you have used , even though that has not been established . A speaker can use questions that make statements by emphasizing specific words or phrases , stating an opinion or feeling on the subject . They can ask questions that carry hidden agendas , like Do you ?

because the person would like to borrow that money . Some questions seek correct answers . For instance , when a friend says , Do I look fat ?

You probably a correct or ideal answer . There are questions that are based on unchecked assumptions . An example would be , aren you listening ?

This example implies that the person wasn listening , when in fact they are listening . Paraphrasing Paraphrasing is defined as restating in your own words , the message you think the sent . There are three types of paraphrasing . First , you can change the speaker wording to indicate what you think they meant . Second , you can offer an example of what you think the speaker is talking about . Third , you can reflect on the underlying theme of a speaker remarks . Paraphrasing represents mindful listening in the way that you are trying to analyze and understand the speaker information . Paraphrasing can be used to summarize facts and to gain consensus in essential discussions . This could be used in a business meeting to make sure that all details were discussed and agreed upon . Paraphrasing can also be used to understand personal information more accurately . Think about being in a counselor office . Counselors often paraphrase information to understand better exactly how you are feeling and to be able to analyze the information better . 242

Empathizing Empathizing is used to show that identify with a speaker information . You are not when you deny others the rights to their feelings . Examples of this are statements such as , It really not a big deal or Who cares ?

This indicates that the listener is trying to make the speaker feel a different way . In minimizing the significance of the situation , you are interpreting the situation in your perspective and passing judgment . Supporting Sometimes , in a discussion , people want to know how you feel about them instead of a reflection on the content . Several types of supportive responses are agreement , offers to help , praise , reassurance , and diversion . The value of receiving support when faced with personal problems is very important . This has been shown to enhance psychological , physical , and relational health . To effectively support others , you must meet certain criteria . You have to make sure that your expression of support is sincere , be sure that other person can accept your support , and focus on here and now rather than then and Analyzing Analyzing is helpful in gaining different alternatives and perspectives by offering an interpretation of the speaker message . However , this can be problematic at times . Sometimes the speaker might not be able to understand your perspective or may become more confused by accepting it . To avoid this , steps must be taken in advance . These include tentatively offering your interpretation instead of as an absolute fact . By being more sensitive about it , it might be more comfortable for the speaker to accept . You can also make sure that your analysis has a reasonable chance of being correct . If it were inaccurate , it would leave the person more confused than before . Also , you must make sure the person will be receptive to your analysis and that your motive for offering is to truly help the other person . An analysis offered under any other circumstances is useless . Evaluating Evaluating the speaker thoughts or behaviors . The evaluation can be favorable ( That makes sense ) or negative ( Negative evaluations can be critical or ( constructive criticism ) Two conditions offer the best chance for evaluations to be received if the person with the problem requested an evaluation , and if it is genuinely constructive and not designed as a . Advising Advising differs evaluations . It is not always the best solution and can sometimes be harmful . In order to avoid this , you must make sure four conditions are present be sure the person is receptive to your suggestions , make sure they are truly ready to accept it , be confident in the correctness of your advice , and be sure the receiver Won blame you if it doesnt work out . Perception Checking Perceptions change in a relationship . Initially , people can view others positively ( for example , confident , I

, funny ) then later in the relationship that person changes ( arrogant , cheap , childish ) The person hasn changed . Only our perceptions of them have changed . That is why we focus on perception in a communication book because often , our perception affects how we communicate . It also has an impact on what we listen to and we listen . For instance , people get married , one person might say , I love you ! I would die for you , then a couple of years later , that same person might say , I hate you ! I am going to kill you ! Their perceptions about the other person will Even when people break up , men typically will think about the physical aspects of the relationship ( I gave her a watch , she wasn that hot ) and women will think about the emotional aspects of the relationship ( I gave him my heart , I really cared about ) Perception is an interesting thing because sometimes we think other people have a similar perspective , but as we will see , that is not always the case . Selection we pay attention to varies from one person to another . The first step in the perception process is selection . It determines what things we focus on compared to what things we ignore . we select to focus on depends on . Intensity if it is bigger , brighter , louder in some way . Think about all the advertisements that you view . If the words are bigger or if the sound is louder , you are likely to pay attention to it . Advertisers know that intensity is very important to get people to pay attention . has been said that to get someone to do something , they have to be told three different ways and three different times . People pay attention to things that repeat because you can remember it easier . In school , we learn to do things over and over again , because it teaches us mastery of a skill . Differences VVe will pay attention to differences , especially if it is a disparity or dissimilarity to what commonly occurs . Think about changes or adjustments that you had to deal with in life . These transformations made you notice the comparisons . For instance , children who go through a divorce will talk about the differences that they encountered . Children will focus on how things are different and how it is not the same . tend to pay attention to things for which have a strong interest or desire . If you love cars , you will probably notice cars more closely than someone else who has no interest in cars . Another example might be if you are single , then you might notice who is married and who is not than someone in a committed relationship . Emotions . Our emotional state has a strong impact on how we view life in general . If we are sad , we will probably notice other sad faces . The same thing happens when we are happy we will tend to notice other happy people . Our emotions can impact how we feel . If we are angry , we might say things we don mean and not perceive we come across to other people . Organization The second phase in the perception process is organization , or we arrange information in our minds . So , once we have selected what information we pay attention to , our minds try to process it . Sometimes when this occurs , we engage in stereotyping or attribute certain characteristics to a certain set of individuals . In other words , we classify or labels others based on certain qualities . Also , when people organize information in their mind , they can also in punctuation , or establishing the effects and causes in communication behavior . It is more useful to realize that a situation can be perceived differently by each person , and it is important to focus on VVhat we can do to 244

make this situation better ?

The third phase of the perception process is interpretation . In this phase , we try to understand the information or make sense of it . This depends on a few factors . Degree of we were in the middle of an accident , we would probably have more information regarding what event occurred compared to a bystander . The more involved we are with something , the more we can make sense of what is actually happening . For instance , in cults , the members understand the rules and rituals , but an outsider would not understand , because they are not exposed to the rules and rituals . Relational satisfaction If we are happy in a relationship , we tend to think that everything is wonderful . However , if you are dissatisfied in the relationship , you might second guess the behaviors and actions of your partner . Past experiences If you had a good past experience with a certain company , you might think that everything they do is wonderful . However , if your first experience was horrible , you may think that they are always horrible . In turn , you will interpret that company actions as justified because you already encountered a horrible experience . Assumptions about human behavior If you believed that most people do not he , then you would probably be hurt if someone important to you lied to you . Our assumptions about others help us understand their behaviors and actions . If you had a significant other cheats on you , you would probably be suspicious of future interactions with other significant others . Expectations Our behaviors are also influenced by our expectations of others . If we expect a party to be fun and it isn , then we will be let ( However , if we have no expectations about a party , it may not affect how we feel about it . Knowledge of others If you know that someone close to you has a health problem , then it will not be a shock if they need medical attention . However , if you had no clue that this person was unhealthy , it would come as a complete surprise . How you a given situation is oftentimes based on what you know about a certain situation . The last phase of the perception process is called negotiation . In this phase , people are to understand what is happening . People often use narratives or stories to explain and depict their life . For instance , a disagreement between a teacher and student might look very different depending on which perspective you take . The student might perceive that they are and very studious . The student thinks they deserve a high grade . However , the teacher might feel that their job is to challenge all students to their highest levels and be fair to all students . By listening to both sides , we can better understand what is going on and what needs to be done in certain situations . Think about car accidents and how police officers have to listen to both sides . Police officers have to determine what happened and who is at fault . Sometimes it is not an easy task . Influences on Perception All of us don perceive the same things . One person might find , but another person might think it is horrible . it comes to our perception , there are four influences we should ' I

understand physiological , social , and cultural . Physiological Influences Some of the reasons why we don interpret things , in same way are due to . Hence , has an impact on What we do and do not perceive . In this section , we will discuss various physiological influences . Senses Our senses can an impact on what and where we focus our attention . For instance , if you have a strong sense of smell , you might be more sensitive to a odor compared to someone who can not smell anything due to sinus problems . Our senses give us a different perception of the world . Age Age can impact what we perceive . Have you ever noticed that children have so much energy , and the elderly do not ?

Children may perceive that there is so to do in a , and the elderly may perceive that there is nothing to do . Our age influences how we think about things . Health when we are healthy , we the stamina and endurance to do many things . However , when we are sick , our bodies may be more inclined to rest . Thus , we will perceive a lot of information differently . For instance , when you are healthy , some of your favorite meals will taste really good , but when you are sick , it might not taste so good , because you can not smell things due to a stuffy nose . Hunger you are hungry , it is tough to concentrate on anything except food . Studies have shown that when people are hungry , all they focus on is something to eat . Biological cycles Some people are morning larks and some are night In other words , there are peaks where people perform at their highest level . For some , it is late at night , and for others , it is early in the morning . When people perform at their peak times , they are likely to be more perceptive of information . If you are a person who loves getting up early , you would probably hate night classes , because you are not able to absorb as much information as you could if the class was in the morning . Psychological Influences Sometimes the on perception are not physiological but psychological . influences include mood and . These influences are based in our mind , and we can detect them in others . Mood Whether we are happy or sad can affect how we view the world . For instance , if we are happy , then anything that happens , we might view it more positively . If we have a healthy of ourselves , we may not be offended if someone makes a negative remark . Yet , if we have a poor of ourselves , then we are probably going to be more influenced by negative remarks . The stronger our is , the more likely it will affect how we view perceive other peoples communication behaviors toward us . Social Influences Social include sex and gender roles , as well as occupational roles . These roles can impact our perceptions . Because we are in these roles , we might be likely to think differently than others in different roles . Sex and gender roles VVe have certain expectations in our culture regarding how men and 246

women should behave in public . are expected to be more nurturing than men . Moreover , men and women are viewed differently concerning their marital status and ag . Occupational roles Our jobs an on how We perceive the world . If you were a lawyer , you be more inclined to take action on civil cases than your average member of the public , because you know to these kinds of situations . Moreover , if you are a nurse or medical specialist , you are more likely to perceive the health of other individuals . You would be able to tell if someone needed urgent medical care or not . Research Spotlight ' In 2015 , Karma . Lloyd , Diana , and Sven conducted an experiment to examine the relationship between perceived listening trust and wellbeing . In this study , the researchers recruited pairs of strangers . had one of the participants tell the other about a positive experience in their life for seven minutes ( the talker ) an ( one who sat and listened to the story without comment ( the listener ) The researchers found that talkers who perceived the listener to be listening A intently to be very for effect ' communication . First , perceived listening led to a greater sense of social attraction towards the listener , which in turn , le ( to a greater sense of trust for the listener . Second , talkers who perceived the listener as listening intently felt their messages were clearer , which in turn , led to a greater sense of the talker overall ( positive affect ) As you can see , simply perceiving that the other person is listening intently to you is very important on a number of fronts . For this reason , it very important to remember to focus your attention when you re listening to someone . Lloyd , A . 2015 ) Building an ( feeling well Examining and interpersonal outcomes and underlying mechanisms of listening . of Listening , 29 ( Cultural Influences In a recent meeting , the boss said , Remember the Golden Rule , and a coworker from India asked the staff about the meaning of that phrase . He wondered if there was a silver rule or a bronze rule . The reason he didn understand this concept is due to cultural . VVe know that everyone doesn perceive things in the same fashion . In some countries , the elderly are highly respected individuals , where the youth go to for advice and wisdom . Yet , in other countries , the elderly are seen as lazy and worthless . Hence , our culture an impact on we perceive the world and others . Communication is different across cultures . cultures , like the United States , value talk and view it as very important to function and conduct business . Thus , they do not like silence because it can be perceived as shyness , frustration , and culture dislikes silence because it is uncomfortable and problematic . Asian cultures have different perceptions of communication . Silence is seen as valuable to reflect on ones thinking . Asians might View someone who is talkative very negatively . Based on this example , we can see that cultural perceptions can lead to problems , because , to an American , silence is considered rude and to an Asian , silence is good . To effectively communicate , we need to understand cultural perceptions . I

Perception Checking To judge others more accurately , we need to engage in perception checking . Perception checking involves three steps . Describe your perception of the event . Offer three different interpretations of that behavior . Seek clarification about the interpretations . That it ! I know this sounds easy , but it much harder than it looks . Keg Takeaways The different types of listening responses are silent listening , questioning , paraphrasing , supporting , analyzing , evaluating , and advising . Questioning can be to , encourage elaboration , learn about others , increase discovery , or obtain more information . Perception checking involves describing the situation , offering three possible interpretations , and then seeking information . rite down an example of each of the listening responses and it is appropriate for that situation . did you Write down What you did ?

Create a chart with the different types of questions and give at least two examples for each type . Compare with a friend in class . a movie or television show with your friends , then ask them to mite down the three most notable moments . what you wrote to others . Was it similar or different ?

or not ?

Did you all have the perceptions ?

spend of our lives engaged in talking and listening . As such , understanding the functions of talking and listening in interpersonal communication is very important . In this chapter , we started by discussing the importance of everyday conversations . We next discussed a specific type of talk disclosing information about ourselves ( We then switched gears and focused on the listening component . Overall , talking and listening are extremely important to interpersonal communication , so understanding how they function can help improve our communication skills . 248

End of Chapter Analyzing Evaluative Listening Appreciative Listening Hearing Communication Motives Window Communication Needs Listening Comprehension Listening Paraphrase Conversations Emotional Blackmail Silent Listening Empathic Listening Social Penetration Theory Empathizing REA is the new leader in ( However , many customers are having problems with their new cell phones . They have tried calling customer service to solve their problems . However , many of the customers get frustrated and wind up terminating their cell phone contracts . does some research and discovers that many of their customer service representatives do not know how to listen effectively . Many of the customers who call the company have complained that no one is listening to their problems . If you were hired as a consultant for this business , how would you fix this problem ?

How can you teach customer service representatives better listening skills ?

hat are some strategies to help customers feel like they are being listened to ?

OF CHA TER . Kara couldn wait to talk to her best diatribe friend Jose . She had a truly horrible , no good , very bad day . As soon as enters her . Cory doesn know if he is a good cook apartment , she just starts venting . What type of because he has never been in a kitchen . His conversation is Kara having with ?

friends dont even know if Cory has a kitchen discourse in his house . Which window pane of debate window does this represent ?

dialogue open deviant blind 249 hidden . girlfriend has been seen with unknown other male friends . His friends try and tell him closed that she is cheating on him , but he refuses to believe what they say . Even when they have . All of the following are types Of listening pictures and proof , he doesn listen to their except words . He is displaying silent listening interrupting questioning daydreaming empathizing imagining emotional listening advising insulated listening . In this chapter , we discuss all of the following types of listening except comprehension evaluative empathetic appreciative interpretive ) 250

References Apps , I . 2014 ) The art Change your life with communication . Capstone . 12 . Miller , 2006 ) Conversation A history of a declining art . Yale University Press . Allen , Guy , 1974 ) Conversation analysis The sociology . Mouton . 11 . Brennan , 2013 ) Conversation and dialogue . In ( Encyclopedia ofthe mind ( 205 ) Sage . 202 . Turkle , 2012 , April ) Alone together . Ted Talks , transcript Ibid . Duck , 2007 ) Understanding Relationships . Press . Angle , 2016 , December 28 ) The four types of conversations Debate , dialogue , discourse , and diatribe . The Opportune Conflict . para . 10 , para . 11 Berger , Calabrese , 1975 ) Some explorations in initial interaction and beyond Toward a developmental theory of interpersonal communication . Human Communication Research , 12 , 2013 ) Taking turns Reciprocal closure promotes liking in initial interactions . of Experimental Social Psychology , 49 ( 13 , 1971 ) The transparent self . Van . 14 , 2007 ) Factors contributing to verbal . Nordic Psychology , 59 ( 15 Ibid . 16 Collins , Miller , 1994 ) and liking A review . Psychological Bulletin , 116 ( 17 , 1976 ) Toward a theory of personal space expectations and their violations . Human Communication Research , 18 , Hale , 1988 ) Nonverbal expectancy violations Model elaboration and application to immediacy behaviors . Communication , 55 ( 19 , Guerrero , 2006 ) Relational quality and communicative responses following hurtful events in dating relationships An expectancy violations analysis . of Social and Personal ships , 23 ( 20 , 2013 ) Violating student expectations Student disclosures and student reactions in the college classroom . Communication Studies , 64 ( 21 Giles , I . 1991 ) Accommodation theory Communication context and consequence . In Giles , of accommodation Developments in plied ( 168 ) Cambridge University Press . 22 , 2007 ) Factors contributing to verbal . Nordic Psychology , 59 ( 367 . 23 Gardner , I . 1988 ) Impression management An observational study linking characteristics with verbal . Academy of Management , 31 ( 24 , 1980 ) Impression management The , social identity and interpersonal . Brooks Cole . 25 , 2007 ) Factors contributing to verbal . Nordic Psychology , I

59 ( 26 , 1980 ) Impression management The , social identity and interpersonal . Brooks Cole . 136 . 27 Gardner , I . 1988 ) Impression management An observational study linking ence characteristics with verbal . Academy of Management , 31 ( 43 . 28 , 1980 ) Impression management The , social identity and interpersonal . Brooks Cole . 154 . 29 Ibid . 163 . 30 Gardner , I . 1988 ) Impression management An observational study linking characteristics with verbal . Academy of Management , 31 ( 44 . 31 Ibid . 44 . 32 , Taylor , A . 1973 ) Social Penetration the development relationships . Holt , Winston , 33 Duck , 2006 ) The play , playfulness , and the players Everyday interaction as improvised rehearsal of relationships . Composing relationships Communication in everyday li , 34 , 2012 ) look at communication theory ( ed . Hill . 35 , 1955 ) The window , a graphic model of interpersonal awareness . In ings of the Western Training Laboratory in Group Development . University of Angeles 36 Hayes , I . 1991 ) Interpersonal skills behaviour at work . 37 Wrench , A . 2017 ) Stand up , speak out The practice and of public speaking ( version ) Flat World Knowledge , 50 . 38 Ibid . 61 . 39 , I . 1985 ) A model for listening instruction Management applications . The Bulletin of the Business Communication , 48 ( 40 , 43 . 41 , 2007 ) Mindfulness ( neural of distinct of and the of . Social Cognitive and Neuroscience , 42 , 1979 ) Listening instruction . ERIC . 43 , 2010 ) Listening engagement Intersecting theoretical perspectives . In ( Ed . Listening and human communication in the 21 Century ( 20 . 44 Watson , Barker , Weaver , I . III . 1995 ) The listening styles ( ment and validation of an instrument to assess four listening styles . International of Listening , 45 Watson , Barker , Weaver , I . III . 1992 , March ) Development and validation ofthe er Preference . Paper presented at the International Listening Association in Seattle , WA . 46 , 2010 ) Revisiting the Listening Styles ( A factor analytic approach to scale validation and reliability estimation . International of Listening , 24 ( 71 . 47 Ibid . 71 . 48 Grant , Being aware styles used in communication reduces your stress levels . 49 , 2013 ) The Listening Styles ( A scale revision and evidence for validity . Communication Quarterly , 61 ( 73 . 50 Mallard , 1999 ) Lending an ear The chair role as listener . The Department Chair , 51 , 2017 , March 15 ) How to practice mindful listening Giving someone your full attention in ) 252

conversation isn easy , but it is a skill we can practice and hone . Mindful . para . 52 , Proctor II , 2013 ) Interplay The process of Interpersonal Communication . Oxford . 53 Ibid . 54 Ibid . 55 Ibid . 56 Giles , 1992 ) Talk is cheap but my word is my bond Beliefs about talk . In Bolton ( today International perspectives ( ledge Paul . END OF CHAPTER ANSWER KEY ) 253