Interpersonal Communication A Mindful Approach to Relationships Conflict in Relationship

Image by A rom chapter in Relationships Conflict is a normal and natural part of life . However , learning to manage conflict in our interpersonal relationships is important for success in relationships . This chapter is going to look at conflict functions and provide several strategies for managing interpersonal conflict . Understanding . Differentiate between the terms conflict , disagreement , and argument . Explain two perspectives about the existence of conflict . an . Define and explain the term interpersonal conflict . For our purposes , it is necessary to differentiate a conflict from a A disagreement is a difference and often occurs during an argument , or a Verbal exchange between two or more people who have differing opinions on a given subject or subjects . It important to realize that arguments '

are not conflicts , but if become aggressive , can quickly turn into conflicts . One factor that ultimately can help determine if an will escalate into a conflict is an individual tolerance for disagreement . James , along with his colleagues , initially defined tolerance for ment as whether an individual can openly discuss differing opinions without feeling personally attacked or ' People that have a high tolerance for can easily discuss opinions with ty anyone and realize that arguing is perfectly normal and , for some , even entertaining . People that have a low tolerance for disagreement feel personally attacked any time is perceived as their opinion . From an interpersonal perspective , understanding tolerance for can help in deciding if arguments will be perceived as the other as attacks that could lead to verbally aggressive conflicts . However , not all conflict is necessarily verbally aggressive nor destructive . The term conflict is actually very difficult to pin down . could have an entire chapter where we just examined various definitions of the term . is an interactive process occurring when conscious beings ( individuals or groups ) have opposing or incompatible actions , beliefs , goals , ideas , motives , needs , objectives , obligations resources values . First , conflict is interactive and inherently communicative . Second , two or more people or even groups of people who can think be involved . Lastly , there are a whole rang of different areas where people can have opposing or incompatible opinions . For this generic definition , we provided a laundry list of different types of incompatibility that can exist between two or more individuals or groups . Is this list completely exhaustive ?

No . But we provided this list as a way of thinking about the more common types of issues that are raised when people engage in conflict . From this perspective , everything from a minor disagreement to a , fight would classify as a conflict . The rest of this . is going to explore the nature of conflict and its importance in communication . To do this , well discuss two different perspectives on conflict ( disruption normalcy ) Then we explore interpersonal conflict closely . Lastly , we discuss the positive and negative functions of conflict . Two Perspectives on Conflict As with areas of interpersonal communication , no single perspective exists in the field related to interpersonal conflict . There are generally two very different perspectives that one can take . Herbert . Simmons was one of the first to realize that there were two very different perspectives on On the one hand , you had scholars who see conflict as a disruption in a normal working system , which should be avoided . On the other hand , some scholars view conflict as a normal part of human relationships . Let look at each of these in this section . Disruptions in Normal Workings of a System The first major perspective of conflict was proposed ames and Lawrence and described conflict as a negative phenomenon in interpersonal ships Conflict between people can be viewed as the opposite or antithesis of affinity . In this sense , conflict is the breaking down of and the ( of repulsion , the dissolution of perceived ( similarity ) and the increased perception of differences , the loss of perceptions of credibility and the ( of disrespect . 290

From this perspective , conflict is something inherently destructive . and Virginia I . Richmond went further and argued that conflict is characterized antagonism , distrust , hostility , and This more negative view of conflict differentiates itself from a separate term , disagreement , which is simply a difference of opinion between two or more people or groups of people . Richmond and note that there are two types of disagreements substantive and procedural . A Substantive disagreement is a disagreement that people have about a specific topic or issue . if you and your best friend want to go eat at two different restaurants for dinner , then you re engaging in a substantive disagreement . On the other hand , procedural disagreements are concerned with procedure , how a decision should be reached or how a policy should be So , if your disagreement about restaurant choice switches to a disagreement on how to make a choice ( a coin ) then you ve switched into a procedural disagreement . A conflict then is a disagreement plus negative affect , or when you disagree with someone else and you dont like the other person . It the combination of a disagreement and dislike that causes a mere disagreement to turn into a conflict . Ultimately , conflict is a product of how one communicates this dislike of another person ( hiring the disagreement . People in some relationships end up saying very nasty things to one another during a disagreement because their affinity for the other person has diminished . conflict is allowed to continue and escalate , it can be likened to an ugly , putrid , decaying , 10 filled From this perspective , conflicts are ultimately only manageable whereas , disagreements can be solved . Although a disagreement is the cornerstone of all conflicts , most disagreements don turn into conflicts because there is an affinity between the two people engaged in the disagreement . Normal Part of Human Communication The second perspective of the concept of conflict is different from the first one . As described by Dudley and Ruth Anna Abigail , conflict is a normal , inevitable part of and Abigail argue that conflict is one of the foundational building blocks of interpersonal relationships . One can even ask if it possible to grow in a relationship without conflict . Managing and overcoming conflict makes a relationship stronger and healthier . Ideally , when interpersonal couples engage in conflict management ( or conflict resolution ) they will reach a solution that is mutually beneficial for both parties . In this manner , conflict can help people seek better , healthier outcomes within their interactions . Ultimately , conflict is neither good nor bad , but it a tool that can be used for constructive or purposes . Conflict can be very beneficial and healthy for a relationship . Let look at how conflict is beneficial for individuals and relationships Conflict helps people find common ground . Conflict helps people learn how to manage conflict more effectively for the future . Conflict provides the opportunity to learn about the other person ( Conflict can lead to creative solutions to problems . Confronting conflict allows people to engage in an open and honest discussion , which can build relationship . Conflict encourages people to grow both as humans and in their communication skills . Conflict can help people become more assertive and less aggressive . Conflict can strengthen individuals ability to manage their emotions . 91 ' I

Conflict lets individuals set limits in relationships . Conflict lets us practice our communication skills . When one approaches conflict from this vantage point , conflict can be seen as an amazing resource in interpersonal relationships . However , both parties must agree to engage in conflict management strategies for this to work effectively ( more on that later in this chapter ) Now that we ve examined the basic idea of conflict , let switch gears and examine conflict in a more interpersonal manner . Interpersonal Conflict According to and Abigail , interpersonal conflict requires four factors to be present the conflict parties are interdependent , they have the perception that they seek incompatible goals or outcomes or they favor incompatible means to the same ends , the perceived incompatibility has the potential to adversely affect the relationship leaving emotional residues if not addressed , and there is a sense of urgency about the need to resolve the difference . 12 Let look at each of these parts of interpersonal conflict separately . People are Interdependent According to and Abigail , interdependence occurs when those involved in a relationship it as continuous and important , making it worth the effort to From this perspective , interpersonal conflict occurs when we are in some kind of relationship with another person . For ple , it could be a relationship with a , a child , a coworker , a boss , a spouse , etc . In each of these interpersonal relationships , we generally see ourselves as having relationships with these people that we want to succeed . Notice , though , that if you re arguing With a random person on a subway , that will not fall into this definition because of the interdependence factor . We may have disagreements and arguments with all kinds of strangers , but those don rise to the level of interpersonal conflicts . People Perceive Differing of Means to the Same Ends An incompatible goal occurs when two people want different things . For example , imagine you and your best friend are thinking about going to the movies . They want to see a superhero film , and you re more in the mood for an independent artsy film . In this case , you have pretty incompatible goals ( movie choices ) You can also have incompatible means to reach the same end . Incompatible means , in this case , occur when we want to achieve the same goal but differ in how we should do For ample , you and your best friend agree on going to the same movie , but not about at which theatre you should see the film . Conflict Can Negatively Affect the Relationship if Not Addressed Next , interpersonal conflicts can lead to very negative outcomes if the conflicts are not managed 292

ly . Here are some examples of conflicts are not managed effectively One partner dominates the conflict , and the other partner . One partner yells or belittles the other partner . One partner uses or lies to get during the conflict . Both partners only want to get their way at all costs . One partner refuses to engage in conflict . Etc . Again , this is a sample laundry list of some of the ways where conflict can be mismanaged . When conflict is mismanaged , one or both partners can start to less affinity for the other partner , which can lead to a decreasing in liking , decreased caring about the relational partner , increased desire to exit the relationship , increased relational apathy , increased behavior , etc . All of these negative outcomes could ultimately lead to conflicts becoming increasingly more aggressive ( both active and passive ) orjust outright conflict avoidance . VVe look at both of these later in the chapter . Some Sense of Urgency to Resolve Conflict Lastly , there must be some sense of urgency to resolve the conflict within the relationship . The conflict gets to the point where it must receive attention , and a decision must be made or an outcome decided upon , or else . If a conflict reaches the point where it not solved , then the conflict could become more problematic and negative if it not dealt with urgently . Now , some people let conflicts stir and rise over many years that can eventually boil over , but these types of conflicts when they arise generally some other kind of underlying conflict that is causing the sudden explosion . For example , imagine your spouse a particularly quirky habit . For the most part , you ignore this habit and may even make a joke about the habit . Finally , one ( lay you just explode and demand the habit must change . Now , it possible that you let this conflict build for so long that it finally explodes . It kind of like a geyser . According to Yellowstone National Park , here how a geyser works The looping chambers trap steam from the hot water . Escaped bubbles from trapped steam heat the water column to the boiling point . hen the pressure from the trapped steam builds enough , it blasts , releasing the pressure . As the entire water column boils out of the ground , more than half the volume is this steam . The eruption stops when the water cools below the boiling In the same way , sometimes people let irritations or underlying conflict percolate inside of them until they reach a boiling point , which leads to the eventual release of pressure in the form of a sudden , out of nowhere conflict . In this case , even though the conflict has been building for some time , the eventual desire to make this conflict known to the other person does cause an immediate sense of urgency for the conflict to be solved . Keg Takeaways The terms disagreement and argument are often confused with one another . For our purposes , the terms refer to unique concepts . A disagreement is a difference of opinion between two or more people or groups of people whereas , an argument is a verbal exchange between two or more people who have differing opinions on ' I

a given subject or subjects . are two general perspectives ( ling the nature of conflict . The first perspective sees conflict as a disruption to normal working systems , so conflict is inherently something is dangerous to relationships and should be avoided . secon ( perspective sees conflict as a normal , inevitable part of relationship . From this perspective , conflict is a tool that can either be used constructively or destructively in relationships . According to and Abigail , interpersonal conflict consists of four unique parts ) interdependence between or among the conflict parties , incompatible means , conflict can adversely affect a relationship if not handled effectively , and ( there is a sense of urgency to resolve the conflict . On a sheet of paper , write out you believe are the pros and cons of major perspectives about conflict . one do you think describes your ( understanding of conflict ?

Do you think they are both applicable to interpersonal conflict ?

Think of a time when you ve engaged in conflict with a relational partner of some kind ( guardian , child , sibling , spouse , friend , romantic partner , Using and Abigail four parts of interpersonal conflict , dissect the conflict and explain it would qualify as an interpersonal conflict . know that different people have different levels of tolerance for disagreement in life . How do you think an individual tolerance for disagreement impacts their ability to interact with others ?

Emotions and Feelings . Explain the among emotions and feelings . Describe emotional awareness and its importance to interpersonal communication . Differentiate between I and You statements . ma 22 ( DEC LU ' Explain the concept of emotional intelligence . To start our examination of the idea of emotions and feelings and they relate to harmony and discord in a relationship , it important to differentiate between emotions and feelings . Emotions are our reactions to stimuli in the outside environment . Emotions , therefore , can be objectively measured by blood flow , brain activity , and nonverbal reactions to things . Feelings , on the other hand , are the responses to thoughts and interpretations given to emotions based on experiences , memory , expectations , and personality . So , there is an inherent relationship between emotions and feelings , but do differentiate between them . Table breaks down the differences between the two concepts . 294

Feelings Emotions Feelings tell us how to Emotions tell us what we like and Feelings state There is a right and wrong way to Emotions state There are good and bad Feelings state your emotions Emotions state The external world Feelings establish our attitude toward reality . Emotions establish our initial attitude toward reality . Feelings alert us to anticipated dangers and prepares us for action . Emotions alert us to immediate dangers and prepare us for action . Feelings ensure survival of self ( body and mind ) Emotions ensure immediate survival of self ( body and mind ) Feelings are but Sustainable . Emotions are Intense but Temporary . Happiness is a feeling . Joy is an emotion . Worry is a feeling . Fear is an emotion . Contentment is a feeling . Enthusiasm is an emotion . Bitterness is a feeling . Anger is an emotion . Love is a feeling . Lust is an emotion . Depression is a feeling . Sadness is an emotion . ohn . CEO of Authentic Systems , here with permission . Table The Differences of Emotions and Feelings important to understand that we are all allowed to be emotional beings . Being emotional is an inherent part of being a human . For this reason , its important to avoid phrases like don feel that way or they have no right to feel that way . Again , our emotions are our emotions , and , when we negate someone else emotions , we are negating that person as an individual and taking away their right to emotional responses . At the same time , though , no one else can make you feel a specific way . Our emotions are our emotions . They are how we interpret and cope with life . A person may set up a context where you experience an emotion , but you are the one who is still experiencing that emotion and allowing yourself to experience that emotion . If you don like feeling a specific way , then change it . all have the ability to alter our emotions . Altering our emotional states ( in a proactive way ) is how we get through life . Maybe you just broke up with someone , and listening to music helps you work through the '

grief you are experiencing to get to a better place . For others , they need to openly communicate about how are feeling in an effort to process and work through emotions . The worst thing a person can do is attempt to deny that the emotion exists . Think of this like a balloon . VVith each breath of air you blow into the balloon , you are bottling up more and more emotions . Eventually , that balloon will get to a point where it can not handle more air in it before it explodes . Humans can be the same way with emotions when we bottle them up inside . The final breath of air in our emotional balloon doesn have to be big or intense . However , it can still cause tremendous emotional outpouring that is often very damaging to the person and their interpersonal relationships with others . Other research has demonstrated that handling negative emotions during conflicts within a marriage ( especially on the part of the wife ) can lead to faster of conflicts and faster conflict mediation between Emotional Awareness Sadly , many people are just completely unaware of their own emotions . Emotional awareness , or an individual ability to clearly express , in words , what they are feeling and why , is an extremely important factor in effective interpersonal communication . Unfortunately , our emotional vocabulary is often quite limited . One extreme version of of not an emotional is called , a general deficit in emotional ability to identify emotional feelings , differentiate emotional states from physical sensations , communicate feelings to others , and process emotion in a meaningful Furthermore , there are many people who can accurately differentiate emotional states but lack the actual for a wide range of different emotions . For some people , their emotional vocabulary may consist of good , bad , angry , and fine . Learning how to communicate one emotions is very important for effective interpersonal relationships . First , it important to distinguish between our emotional states and how we interpret an emotional state . For example , you can feel sad or depressed , but you really can not feel alienated . Your sadness and depression may lead you to perceive yourself as alienated , but alienation is a perception of one self and not an actual emotional state . There are several evaluative terms that people ascribe themselves ( usually in the process of blaming others for their feelings ) that they label emotions , but which are in actuality evaluations and not emotions . Table presents a list of common evaluative words that people confuse for emotional states . Abandoned Cornered Mistreated Scorned Abused Devalued Misunderstood Taken for granted Affronted Diminished Neglected Threatened Alienated Distrusted Thwarted Attacked Humiliated Patronized Tortured Belittled Injured Pressured Betrayed Interrupted Provoked Intimidated Put away Unseen Bullied Let down Unsupported Cheated Maligned Rejected Unwanted Coerced Manipulated Ridiculed Used Mocked Ruined Table Evaluative Confused for Emotions 296

Instead , people need to avoid these evaluative words and learn to communicate effectively using a wide range of emotions . Tables and provide a list of both positive and negative feelings that people can express . Go through the list considering the power of emotion . Do associate light , medium , or strong emotions with the words provided on these lists ?

There is no right or wrong way to answer this question . Still , it is important to understand that people can differ in their interpretations of the strength of different emotionally laden words . If you don know what a word means , should look it up and add another word to your list of feelings that you can express to others . 297 Absorbed Eager Happy Rapturous Adventurous Ebullient Helpful Refreshed Affectionate Ecstatic Hopeful Relaxed Aglow Inquisitive Relieved Alert Elated Inspired Sanguine Alive Enchanted Intense Amazed Encouraged Interested Secure Amused Energetic Intrigued Sensitive Animated Engrossed Invigorated Serene Appreciative Enlivened Involved Spellbound Ardent Enthusiastic Jovial Splendid Aroused Euphoric Joyous Stimulated Astonished Excited Jubilant Sunny Blissful Exhilarated Surprised Breathless Expansive Lively Tender Buoyant Expectant Loving Thankful Calm Exultant Mellow Thrilled Carefree Fascinated Merry Tickled Pink Cheerful Free Mirthful Touched Comfortable Friendly Moved Tranquil Complacent Fulfilled Optimistic Trusting Composed Genial Upbeat Concerned Glad Peaceful Vibrant Confident Gleeful Perky Content Glorious Pleasant Cool Cloning Pleased Zippy Curious Proud Dazzled Grateful Quiet Delighted Gratified Radiant Table Positive Emotions Afraid Disgusted Impatient Sensitive Aggravated Disheartened Indifferent Shaky (

Agitated Dismayed Intense Shameful Alarmed Displeased Irate Disquieted Irked Skeptical Anguished Disturbed Irritated Sleepy Annoyed Distressed Jealous Sorrowful Antagonistic Jittery Sorry Anxious Spiritless Dull Lazy Spiteful Appalled Edgy Startled Apprehensive Embarrassed Lethargic Sullen Aroused Listless Surprised Ashamed Exasperated Lonely Suspicious Beat Exhausted Mad Tearful Fatigued Mean Tepid Bitter Fearful Blah Fidgety Miserable Ticked off Blue Forlorn Mopey Tired Bored Frightened Morose Troubled Brokenhearted Frustrated ( le Furious Nervous ( Cold Galled Uneasy Concerned Gloomy Numb ( Confused Grim Unhappy Cool Grouchy Unnerved Crabby Guilty Passive Unsteady Cranky Harried Upset Cross Pessimistic Uptight Helpless Petulant Depressed Hesitant Puzzled Despairing Hopeless Rancorous Despondent Horrified Detached Horrible Repelled Disaffected Hostile Resentful Disenchanted Hot Restless Disappointed Sad Discouraged Hurt Seared Sensitive Disgruntled Seething Shaky Table Negative Emotions The Problem of You Statements According to Marshall , the father of nonviolent ( You statements ultimately ) 298

are where we imply the or of another person and the way have hen we make moralistic judgments about others , we tend to deny responsibility for our thoughts , feelings , and behaviors . Remember , when it comes to feelings , no one can make feel a specific way . choose the feelings we inhabit we do not inhabit the feelings that choose us . we make and responsibility , we end up in a constant cycle of defensiveness where your individual needs are not going to be met by your relational partner . Behind every negative emotion is a need not being fulfilled , and when we start blaming others , those needs will keep getting unfilled in the process . Often this lack of need fulfillment will result in us demanding someone fulfill our need or face blame or punishment . For example , if you go hang out with your friends tonight , I going to hurt myself and it will your In this simple sentence , we see someone who disapproves of another behaviors and threatens to blame their relational partner for the individual behavior . In highly volatile relationships , this constant blame cycle can become very detrimental , and no one needs are getting met . However , just behavior and stating how you feel only gets you part of the way there because you re still not describing your need . Now , when we talk about the idea of needing something , we are not talking about this strictly in terms of Hierarchy of Needs , though those are all entirely appropriate needs . At the same time , relational needs are generally not rewards like tangible items or money . Instead , Marshall categorizes basic needs that we all have falling into the categories cal , integrity , and interdependence ( Table ) As you can imagine , any time these needs are not being met , you will reach out to get them , celebration , play , spiritual communion , fulfilled . As such , when we communicate about our feelings , they are generally tied to an unmet or fulfilled need . For example , you could say , I feel dejected when you yell at me because I need to be In this sentence , you are identifying your need , observing the behavior , and labeling the need . Notice that there isn associated with identifying one needs . Autonomy Integrity to choose one dreams , goals , values authenticity to choose one plan for fulfilling one dreams , creativity goals , values to celebrate the creation of life and ( fulfilled to celebrate losses loved ones , dreams , etc . Interdependence ( mourning ) Play 21 ( harmony contribution to the enrichment of life ( to exercise one power by giving that which contributes to life )

inspiration emotional safety order peace honesty ( the empowering honest that enables us to learn from our limitations ) protection from forms of life trust viruses , bacteria , insects , predatory animals rest understanding sexual expression warmth Table Emotional Intelligence water Source ( A Language of Life lid by Marshall , by ) Press and Used with Permission . For more information visit ' and ) Table Needs Emotional Intelligence In Chapter , we first discussed concept of emotional intelligence . However , it important to revisit this concept before we on . In Chapter , we defined emotional intelligence as an individual appraisal and expression of their emotions and the emotions of others in a manner that enhances thought , living , and communicative interactions . we learned that is built by four distinct emotional processes perceiving , understanding , managing , and using emotions . Although We are talking about the importance of , take a minute and complete Table , which is a simple item questionnaire designed to help you evaluate your om Research Spotlight In 2020 , researchers Anna , Jacobs , and set out to examine the impact that trait has on both relationship satisfaction and dyadic coping . Dyadic coping is based on Systemic ' Model ( which predicts that stress in dyadic relationships is felt by both partners . So , if one partner experiences the stress of a job loss , that stress really impacts both partners . As a result , both partners can engage in mutual shared or joint A According to , there are three different common forms of ( coping 300

Instructions Read the following questions and select answer that ( with your perception . Do not be on ( if some of the items appear similar . Please use the scale below to rate the degree to which each statement applies to you . Strongly Disagree Neutral Strongly Agree Disagree . I am aware of my emotions as I experience them . I easily recognize my emotions . I can tell how others are feeling simply by watching their body movements . I can tell how others are feeling by listening to their voices . When I look at people faces , I generally know how they are feeling . When my emotions change , I know why . I understand that my emotional state is rarely comprised of one single emotion . When I am experiencing an emotion , I have no problem easily labeling that emotion . It completely possible to experience two opposite emotions at the same time ( love hate awe fear joy sadness ) 10 . I can generally tell when my emotional state is shifting from one emotion to another . 11 . I don let my emotions get the best of me . 12 . I have control over my own emotions . 13 . I can analyze my emotions and determine if they are reasonable or not . I can engage or detach from an emotion depending on whether I it informative or useful . 15 . When I feeling sad , I know how to seek out activities that will make me happy . 16 . I can create situations that will cause others to experience emotions . 17 . I can use my understanding of emotions to have more productive interactions with others . 18 . I know how to make other people happy or sad . 19 . I often lift people spirits when they are feeling down . I know how to generate negative emotions and enhance pleasant ones in my interactions with others . Scoring Understanding Emotions Add scores for items , 10 Managing Emotions Add scores for items 11 , 12 , 13 , 14 , 15 Using Emotions Add scores for items 16 , 17 , 18 , 19 , 20 301 '

Interpretation Each of the four parts of the Model can have a range of to 25 . Scores under 11 represent low levels of for each aspect . Scores between 12 and 18 represent average levels of . Scores 19 and higher represent high levels of . Table Emotional Intelligence Questionnaire . Positive dyadic coping involves the provision of and support and reducing the stress by a new division of responsibilities and contributions to the coping process . Common dyadic coping ( joint dyadic coping ) includes strategies in which both partners jointly engage to reduce stress ( exchange tenderness , joint ) Negative dyadic coping comprises support and ambivalent or hostile intervention attempts ( reluctant provision of support while believing that the partner should solve the problem alone ) In the et al . 2000 ) study , the researchers studied 136 heterosexual couples . Trait was positively related to relationship satisfaction . Trait was positively related to positive ( coping an ( coping but not related to negative ( coping . Jacobs , 2020 , Trait emotional intelligence and relationship satisfaction The ( role of dyadic coping . he journal , 754 ( 22398 ( Letting Go of Negative Thoughts often refer to these negative thoughts as vulture statements ( as discussed in Chapter ) Some of us have huge , gigantic vultures sitting on our shoulders every day , and we keep feeding them with all of our negative thoughts . Right when that thought enters your head , you have started to feed that sitting on your shoulders . Unfortunately , many of us will focus on that negative thought and keep that negative thought in our heads for a long period . It like a bag full of carrion , and we just keep lifting it to the Vulture , who just keeps getting fatter and fatter , weighing you down more and more . Every time we point out a negative thought instead of harping on that thought , we take a pause and stop feeding the vulture . Do this long enough , and you will see the benefits to your . Furthermore , when we have a healthy , we also have stronger interpersonal Positive Emotions During Conflict Researchers have found that serious relationship problems arise when those in the relationship are unable to reach beyond the immediate conflict and include positive as well as negative emotions in their discussions . In a landmark study of newlywed couples , for example , researchers attempted to predict who would have a happy marriage versus an unhappy marriage or a divorce , based on how the newlyweds 302

communicated with each other . Specifically , created a stressful conflict situation for couples . The researchers then how times the newlyweds expressed positive emotions and how times they expressed negative emotions in talking with each other about the situation . the marital status and happiness of each couple were evaluated over the next six years , the study found that the strongest predictor of a marriage that stayed together and was happy was the degree of positive emotions expressed during the conflict situation in the initial In happy marriages , instead of always responding to anger with anger , the couples found a way to lighten the tension and to the conflict . In marriages , during stressful times or in the middle of conflict , couples were able to some positive comments and positive regard for each other . When this finding is generalized to other types of interpersonal relationships , it makes a strong case for having some positive interactions , some humor , some fun , or some playfulness into your conversation while you are to resolve conflicts . Keg Takeaways Emotions are our physical reactions to stimuli in the outside environment whereas , feelings are the responses to thoughts and interpretations given to emotions based on experiences , memory , expectations , and personality . Emotional awareness involves an individual ability to recognize their feelings and communicate about them effectively . One of the common problems that some people have with regards to emotional awareness is a lack of a concrete emotional vocabulary for both positive and negative feelings . When people can not adequately communicate about their feelings , they will never get what they need out of a relationship . One common problem in interpersonal communication is the overuse of You statements . I statements are statements that take responsibility for how one is feeling . You statements are statements that place the blame of one feelings on another person . Remember , another person can not make you feel a specific way . Furthermore , when we communicate you statements , people tend to become more defensive , which could escalate into conflict . Emotional intelligence is the degree to which an individual has the ability to perceive ( recognizing emotions when they occur ) understand ( the ability to understand why emotions and feelings arise ) communicate ( articulating one emotions and feelings to another person ) and manage emotions and feelings ( being able to use emotions effectively ( hiring interpersonal relationships ) Think of an extreme emotion you ve felt recently . Explain the ( between that emotion , your thoughts , and your feelings when you experienced that extreme emotion . Complete the Emotional Intelligence Questionnaire . areas are your with regard to What areas are your weaknesses ?

How can you go about improving your strengths While alleviating your weaknesses ?

I Think of a you ve had ith a significant other in your relationship . How many of the statements that were made during that conflict were You statements as compared to I statements ?

How could you have more clearly expressed your feelings and link them to your needs Power and Influence . Define the term influence and explain the three levels of influence . Define the word power and explain the six bases of power . ma 32 LU ' One of the reasons We in a of interpersonal relationships over our lifetimes is to others . live in a world where we constantly need to accomplish a variety of goals , so being able to get others to jump on board With our goals is a very important part of social survival . As such , we when an individual or group of people alters another person thinking , feelings , or behaviors through accidental , expressive , or rhetorical ( Notice this definition of influence is one that focuses on the importance of communication within the interaction . Within this definition , we discuss three specific types of communication accidental , expressive , or rhetorical . First , we have accidental communication , or when We send messages to another person without realizing those messages are being sent . Imagine you are walking through your campus food court and notice a table set up for a specific charity . A person who we really respect is hanging out at the table laughing and smiling , so you decide to donate a dollar to the charity . The person who was just hanging out at the table influenced your decision to donate . They could have just been talking to another friend and may not have even really been a supporter of the charity , but their presence was enough to influence your donation . At the same time , we often influence others to think , feel , and behave in Ways they wouldn have unconsciously . A smile , a , a head nod , or eye can all be nonverbal indicators to other people , which could influence them . There a great commercial on television that demonstrates this . The commercial starts with someone holding the door for another person , then this person turns around and does something kind to another person , and this paying it continues through the entire commercial . In each incident , no one said to the person they were helping to pay it forward , they just did . The second type of communication we can have is expressive or communication . Our emotional states can often influence other people . If We are happy , others can become happy , and if we are sad , others may avoid us altogether . Maybe you ve Walked into a room and seen someone crying , so you ask , Are you OK ?

Instead of responding , the person just turns and glowers at you , so you turn around and leave . VVith just one look , this person your behavior . The type of communication , rhetorical communication , involves purposefully creating and sending messages to another person in the hopes of altering another person thinking , feelings , behaviors . Accidental communication is not planned . Expressive communication is often not conscious at all . However , rhetorical communication is purposeful . we are using communication to influence another person ( we know that We are trying to that person ( 304

Levels of Influence In 1958 social psychologist Herbert first noted that there are three basic levels of compliance , identification , and basic was that changes in a person thoughts , feelings , behaviors occur at different levels , which results in different processes an individual uses to achieve with an . Let look at each of these three levels separately . Compliance The first , and weakest , form of is compliance . Compliance implies that an individual accepts and alters their thoughts , feelings , or behaviors . However , this change in thoughts , feelings , behaviors is transitory and only lasts as long as the individual sees compliance as Generally , people accept influence at this level because they perceive the rewards or punishments for to be in their best interest . As such , this form of is Identification The second form of discussed by is , which is based purely in the realm of relationships . Identification occurs when an individual accepts because they want to have a satisfying relationship with the or group . The individual actually believes in the responses which he or she adopts through identification , but their specific content is more or less irrelevant . He or she adopts the induced behavior because it is associated with the desired relationship . Thus the satisfaction derived from identification due to the act of conforming as Notice that is arguing that the actual change to thoughts , feelings , or behaviors is less of an issue that the relationship and the act of conforming . However , if an individual ever decides that the relationship and identification with the individual or group are not beneficial , then the attempts will disappear , and the individual will go back to their original thoughts , feelings , or behaviors . internalization The level of proposed by is internalization , which occurs when an individual adopts and alters their thinking , feeling , behaviors because doing so is intrinsically rewarding . changing one thinking , feelings , behavior happens at the internalization level because an individual sees this change as either coinciding with their value system , considers the change useful , or fulfills a need the individual has . that happens at this level becomes highly intertwined with the individual perception of self , so this type of tends to be . French Raven Five Bases of Power you hear the word power , what comes to ?

Maybe you think of a powerful person like a Superhero or the President of the United States . For social scientists , we use the word power in a specific way . Power is the degree that a social agent ( A ) has the ability to get another person ( to alter their thoughts , feelings , or behaviors . First , you have a social agent ( A ) which can come in a variety of different forms another person , a role someone embodies , a group rule or norm , or a group or part of a Next , we have the person ( who is being by the goal to be a specific change ' I

in thoughts , feelings , or behaviors . we discussed above , we talked about it in terms of communication accidental , ve , and rhetorical . we deal with power , we are only dealing in the realm of rhetorical communication I I ) Coercive I Five , Bases of ' Power another person is consciously . Referent , Probably the most important people in the realm of power have been John French and Bertram Raven . In 1959 , French and Raven unique bases of power that people can use to others ( coercive , reward , legitimate , expert , and referent ) At the time of their original Legitimate publication , there was a sixth base of power that Raven attempted to argue for , informational . Although he lost the battle in the initial publication , subsequent research by , Raven on the subject of the bases of power Figure French Raven Five Bases of Power , have all included informational . Let examine each of these bases of power . Informational The basis of power is the last one originally proposed by Informational power refers to a social agent ability to bring about a change in thought , feeling , or behavior through information . For example , since you initially started school , teachers have had informational power over you . They have provided you with a range of information on history , science , grammar , art , etc . that shape how you think ( what constitutes ) feel ( what does it mean to be aesthetically ) and behave ( how do you properly mix chemicals in a lab ) In some form of power with which we come into contact . In fact , when you are taught how to think , feel , or behave , this now continues without the target necessarily referring to , or even remembering , the as being the agent of , informational power is very strong , because it often the Coercive and Reward The second base of power is coercive power , which is the ability to punish an individual who does not comply with one attempts . On the other end of the spectrum , we have reward power ( base of power ) which is the ability to offer an individual rewards for complying with one attempts . VVe talk about these two bases of power together because they are two sides of the same coin . the same problems with this type of power apply equally to both . can happen if you punish or reward someone however , as soon as you take away that punishment or reward , the thoughts , feelings , behavior will reverse back to its initial state . Hence , we refer to both coercive and reward power as attempts to get someone to comply with , because this is the highest level of one can hope to achieve with these two forms of power . 306

Legitimate fourth base of power is legitimate power , or occurs because a person ( believes that the social agent ( A ) a valid right to , and an obligation to accept A attempt to thoughts , feelings , or behaviors . French and Raven argued that there were two common forms of legitimate power cultural and structural . Cultural legitimate power occurs when a change agent is as having the right to others because of their role in the culture . For example , in some cultures , the elderly may have a stronger to than younger of that culture . Structural legitimate power , on the other hand , occurs because someone fulfills a specific position within the social hierarchy . For example , your boss may have the legitimate to your thoughts , feelings , or behaviors in the workplace because they are above you in the organizational hierarchy . 37 fifth base of power is expert power , or the power we give an individual to us because of their perceived knowledge . For example , we often give our physicians the ability to our behavior ( eat right , exercise , take medication ) because we view these individuals as having specialized knowledge . However , this type of only is effective if believes A is an expert , trusts A , and believes that A is telling the truth . One problem we often face in the 21 Century involves the conceptualization of the word Many people in today world can be perceived as experts because they write a book , a talk show , were on a reality show , or are seen on news Many of these experts may no reasonable skill or knowledge but they can be trumpeted as experts . One of the problems with the Internet is the fundamental that anyone can put information online with only an opinion and no actual facts . Additionally , we often engage in debates about facts because we have different talking heads telling us different information . Historically , expert power was always a very strong of power , but there is growing concern that we are losing expertise and knowledge to unsubstantiated opinions and rumor mongering . At the time , there is quite a bit of research demonstrating that many people are either unskilled or unknowledgeable and completely unaware of their lack of expertise . This problem been called the effect , or the tendency of some people to their expertise when they really nothing to back up that As you can imagine , having a lot of people who think they are experts spouting off information that is untrue can be highly problematic in society . For example , do you really want to take medical advice from a star ?

Many people do . we have some people who their expertise , on the other end of the spectrum , some people suffer from imposter syndrome , which occurs when people devalue or simply do not recognize their knowledge and skills . Imposter syndrome is generally a problem with highly educated people like doctors , lawyers , professors , business executives , etc . The fear is that someone will find out that they are a fraud . Referent The base of power originally discussed by French and Raven is referent power , or a social agent ability to another person because wants to be associated with A . Ultimately , referent power is about relationship building and the desire for a relationship . If A is a person finds attractive , then will do whatever they need to do to become associated with A . If A belongs to a group , then will want to join that group . Ultimately , this relationship exists because wants to think , feel , and behave as A ' I

does . For example , if A de ides that he likes modern art , then will also decide to like modern art . If A has a very strong work ethic in the workplace , then will adopt a strong work ethic in the workplace as well . Often A has no idea of the they are having over Ultimately , the stronger desires to be associated with A , the more referent power A has over Influence and Power By now , you may be wondering about the relationship between and power . Research has examined the relationship between the three levels of and the six bases of power . Coercive , reward , and legitimate power only people at the compliance level . informational , expert , and referent power have been to people at all three levels of compliance , identification , and internalization . you think about your own interpersonal goals , you really need to consider what level of you desire a person change in thoughts , feelings , behaviors to be . If your goal isjust to get the change quickly , then using coercive , reward , and legitimate power may be the best route . If , however , you want to ensure , then using informational , expert , and referent power are probably the best routes to use . Research Spotlight In 2013 , aii ( Nina Howe set out to explore how siblings use French and Raven bases of power in their relationships . Specifically , they examined how older siblings ( average age of years old ) interacted with their younger siblings ( average age was years old ) Sibling pairs were recorded playing at home with a wooden farm set that was provided for the observational study . Each recorded video lasted for . The researchers then coded the children verbal and A nonverbal behaviors . The goal was to see what types of power strategies the siblings employed while playing . older siblings were more likely to engage in power displays with their younger siblings to get what they wanted . However , younger siblings were more to appeal to a third party ( usually an adult ) to get their way . The researchers also noted that when it came to getting a desired piece of the farm to with , older siblings were more to use coercive power . Younger siblings were more likely to employ legitimate power as an attempt to achieve a compromise . Howe , 2013 ) Power in sibling during early aii ( middle childhood . Social Development , 22 ( 2021 Key Takeaways Herbert noted that there are three basic levels of compliance ( getting someone to alter behavior ) identification ( altering someone behavior because they want to be identified with a person or group ) and internalization ( that occurs because someone wants to be in a relationship with an ) French and Raven have devised six basic bases of power informational , coercive , reward , legitimate , expert , and referent . First , we have informational power , or 308

the power we have over others as we provide them knowledge . Second , we have coercive power , or the to punish someone for noncompliance . Third , we have reward power , or the ability to reward someone for compliance . Fourth we have legitimate power , or power someone has because of their position within a culture or a hierarchical structure . Fifth , we have expert power , or power that someone exerts because they are perceived as having knowledge or skills . Lastly , we have referent power , or power that occurs because an individual wants to be associated with another person . Think of a time when you ve been at all three of levels of . How were each of these situations of different from each other ?

How were the different levels of achieved ?

Think of each of the following situations and which form of power would best be used and why A mother wants her child to eat his vegetables . A police officer wants to people to slow down in residential neighborhoods . The Surgeon General of the United States wants people to become more aware of the problems of fats in their diets . A friend wants to his best friend to stop doing drugs . Conflict Management Strategies . Differentiate between conflict and disagreement . Explain the three common styles of conflict management . Summarize the Model of Conflict . ZE LU ' Many researchers have attempted to understand how humans handle with one another . The first researchers to create a taxonomy for understanding management strategies were Richard and Robert . and were primarily interested in how individuals handle during labor negotiations . The and model consisted of only two methods for managing integrative and distributive . Integrative is a approach to whereby , both parties attempt to come to a settled agreement that is mutually beneficial . Distributive is a approach whereby , parties see theirjob as to in and make sure the other person or group loses . Most professional schools teach that integrative negotiation tactics are generally the best ones . ABC of Conflict '

the following and select answer that ( with how you typically behave when engaged in conflict with another person . Do not be ) if some of the items appear similar . Please use the scale below to rate the degree to which each statement applies to you . Strongly Disagree Neutral Strongly Agree Disagree I start to engage in a conflict , I . Keep the to myself to avoid rocking the boat . Do my best to win . Try to a solution that works for everyone . Do my best to stay away from disagreements that arise . Create a strategy to ensure my successful outcome . Try to a solution that is for those involved . Avoid the individual with whom I having the . Won back down unless I get what I want . Collaborate with others to an outcome OK for everyone . 10 . Leave the room to avoid dealing with the issue . 11 . Take no prisoners . 12 . Find solutions that satisfy everyone expectations . 13 . Shut down and shut up in order to get it over with as quickly as possible . 14 . See it as an opportunity to get what I want . 15 . Try to integrate everyone ideas to come up with the best solution for everyone . 16 . Keep my disagreements to myself . 17 . Don let up until I win . 18 . Openly raise everyone concerns to ensure the best outcome possible . Scoring Add scores for items , 10 , 13 , 16 Add scores for items , 14 , 17 Collaborators Add scores for items , 12 , 15 , 18 ) ers ( na ( 310

Interpretation Each of the four parts of the Model can have a range of to 25 . Scores under 11 represent low levels of for each aspect . Scores between 12 and 18 represent average levels of . Scores 19 and higher represent high levels of . Table Emotional Intelligence Questionnaire Over the years , a number of different patterns for handling conflict have arisen in the literature , but most of them agree with the first two proposed by Walton and , but they generally add a third dimension of conflict avoidance . Go ahead and take a moment to complete the questionnaire in Table . Alan , Stephen , Doug Parry , and Mark Rogers created a taxonomy of different types of strategies that people can use When avoiding conflict . Table provides a list of these common tactics . collaborators Management Tactic Definition Example Simple Denial Statements that deny the conflict . No , I Extended Denial Statements that deny conflict with a . No , I fine . Ijust had a long Statements that deny the conflict and then pose a question to the conflict partner . I don know why you are upset , did you Wake up on the Wrong side of the bed this morning 311 ( I (

Topic Shifting thAt the Sony to . Did you the . About Topic AvoidAnce to I don wAnt to deAl with stop . A einen ( ne ( A es , 111 A 11 I concrete to is reAlly except A AbstrAct ones . of to force Focus focused on the So , do you by And connotAtive word sex of words . Process Focus focused on the I refuse to tAlk to you when procedures for you Are conflict . Joking ThAt About As useless As A to derAil conflict . footbAll . 111 ) ivA ence A einen ( ne ( in ( A ' us ( you All it it kick of ing . thAt devAlue VVhAt point of fighting pose of conflict . over this ?

Neither of us Are our EvAsion to shift I Joneses ic . ree ) ro ) no StAlling to shift I don to tAlk About to . this right IrrelevAnt thAt nothing to I knew the wAllpAper in do With the . here flowers on TAble StrAtegies For our purposes , we opted to describe those who engAge in distributive As becAuse they often see going A As off to WAr , which is Aligned with the distributive strAtegies . believe conflict should tAke on An where the bAttler win the conflict At All costs to the they cAuse Along the wAy . tend to be personAlistic their goAls And Are often highly those With whom they Are in . AlAn , Stephen , Doug PArry , And MArk Rogers creAted A of different types of strAtegies people use when using distributive strAtegies . TAble provides A list of these tActics . sonA , 312

Management Tactic Definition Example Faulting Statements that verbally criticize , I can believe you are a partner . so dense at Rejection Statements that express That is such a dumb disagreement . Hostile Questioning Questions designed to fault a partner . VVho died and made king ?

Hostile Joking Humorous statements designed to attack a partner . I do believe a village has lost its Presumptive Attribution Statements designed to point the meaning or origin of the conflict to another source . You just think that because your father keeps telling you Avoiding Responsibility Statements that deny fault . Not my fault , not my Prescription Statements that describe a You know , if you just stop ic change to another behavior . yelling , maybe people would take you Threat Statements designed to inform a You either tell your mother partner of a future punishment . we re not coming , or getting a divorce Blame Statements that lay culpability for your fault we got ourselves a problem on a partner . in this mess in the first Shouting Statements delivered in a GET YOU ner With an increased volume . ACT TOGETHER ! Sarcasm Statements involving the use of The trouble with you is that irony to convey contempt , mock , insult , or wound another person . you lack the power of but not the power of Table Distributive Conflict Management Strategies Collaborators The last type of conflicting partners are collaborators . There are a range of collaborating choices , from being completely collaborative in an attempt to find a mutually agreed upon solution , to being compromising when you realize that both sides ill need to win and lose a little to come to a satisfactory solution . In both cases , the goal is to use communicative behaviors in an attempt to reach a solution everyone is happy with . Admittedly , this is often easier said than done . Furthermore , it entirely possible that one side says they want to collaborate , and the other side refuses to collaborate at all . this happens , collaborative conflict management strategies may not be as effective , because its hard to collaborate with someone who truly believes you need to lose the conflict . Alan , Stephen , Doug Parry , and Mark Rogers created a taxonomy of different types of strategies that people can use when collaborating during a conflict . Table provides a list of these 313 (

common tactics . Management Tactic Definition Example Descriptive Acts Statements that describe obvious events or factors . Last time your sister babysat our kids , she yelled at thoughts and feelings in a way . Qualification Statements that explicitly explain I am upset because didn the conflict . come home last Disclosure Statements that disclose one I get really worried when you don call and let me know where you Soliciting Disclosure Questions that ask another person to disclose their thoughts and feelings . How do you feel about what I just said ?

Negative Inquiry Statements for the other person to identify your negative behaviors . VVhat is it that I do that makes you yell at inc ?

Empathy Statements that indicate you and relate to the other person emotions and . I know this isn easy for Emphasize Commonalities Statements that highlight shared goals , aims , and values . VVe both want What best for our Accepting Responsibility Statements acknowledging the part you a conflict . You re right . I sometimes let my anger get the best of Initiating Statements designed to help the conflict come to a agreed upon solution . So let brainstorm some ways that will help us solve Concession Statements designed to give in or yield to a partner goals , aims , or values . I promise , I will make sure my homework is complete before I watch Table Integrative Conflict Management Strategies Before We conclude this section , we do want to point out that conflict management strategies are often reciprocated by others . If you start a conflict in a highly competitive Way , do not be surprised when your conflicting partner mirrors you and starts using distributive conflict management strategies in return . The same is also true for integrative conflict management strategies . hen you start using integrative conflict management strategies , you can often a problematic conflict by using integrative conflict management strategies . Conflict Model Ruth Anna Abigail and Dudley created a Very simple model when thinking about how We during conflict . They called the model the Conflict Model because it stands for stop , 314

think , listen , and then . Stop The first thing an individual needs ( do when interacting with another person during Stop conflict is to take the time to be present within the conflict itself . Too often , people engaged in a conflict say whatever enters their mind before they ve really had a chance to process the message and think of the best strategies Figure Conflict Model to use Send Others end up talking past one another during a conflict because they simply are not paying attention to each other and the competing needs within the conflict . Communication problems often occur during conflict because people tend to react to conflict situations when they arise instead of being mindful and present during the conflict itself . For this reason , its always important to take a breath during a conflict and first stop . Sometimes these time outs need to be physical . Maybe you need to leave the room and go for a brief walk to calm down , or maybe you just need to get a glass of water . Whatever you need ( do , its important to take this break . This break takes you out of a reactive stance into a proactive Think Once you ve stopped , you now have the ability to really think about what you are communicating . You want to think through the conflict itself . What is the conflict really about ?

Often people engage in conflicts about superficial items when there are truly much deeper issues that are being avoided . You also want to consider what possible causes led to the conflict and what possible courses of action you think are possible to conclude the conflict . and Abigail argue that there are four possible outcomes that can occur do nothing , change yourself , change the other person , or change the situation . First , you can simply sit back and avoid the conflict . Maybe you re engaging in a conflict about politics with a family member , and this conflict is actually just going to make everyone mad . For this reason , you opt just to stop the conflict and change topics to avoid making people upset . One of our was at a funeral when an uncle asked our coauthor about our coauthor impression of the ent President . ur or immediate res ) was , Do you really want to answer that ( Our th , coauthor knew that everyone else in the room would completely disagree , so our coauthor knew this was probably a can of worms that just didn need to be opened . Second , we can change ourselves . Often , we are at fault and start conflicts . We may not even realize how our behavior caused the conflict until we take a step back and really analyze what is happening . en i comes ) ein a au , i very iin ) or an a ( mi a you ve ( one . in is worse , Nth ( and can stoke a conflict more ) than when someone refuses to see their part in the conflict . Third , we can attempt to change the other person . Lets face it , changing someone else is easier said than done . Just ask your ! All of our guardians have attempted to change 15

our behaviors at point or another , and people is . Even with powers of punishment and , a lot of lasts as long as or reward . One of our was in a constant battle with our parents about sucking as a . Our coauthor tried everything to get sucking to stop . up an ingenious plan . agreed to buy a toy electric saw if their didn engage in sucking for the entire . for a , no thumb sucking occurred at all . The got the toy saw , immediately inserted the thumb back into our coauthor . This short story is a great illustration of the problems that can be posed by rewards . Punishment works the way . As as people are being punished , they will behave in a specific way . If that is ever away , so will the behavior . Lastly , we can just the situation . Having a conflict with your roommates ?

Move out . Having a conflict with your boss ?

Find a new job . Having a conflict with a professor ?

Drop the course . the situation is necessarily the first people should take thinking about possibilities , but often its the best decision for happiness . In essence , conflicts will not be settled between people . these conflicts arise , you try and yourself , hope the other person will change ( they probably won , though ) orjust get out of it altogether . Listen The third step in the is listen . Humans are not is the best listeners . As we discussed in Chapter , is a skill . Unfortunately , during a conflict situation , this is a skill that is desperately needed and often forgotten . we feel defensive during a conflict , our becomes spotty at best because we start to focus on ourselves and protecting ourselves instead of trying to be empathic seeing the through the other person eyes . One mistake people make is to think they re listening , but in reality , re for flaws in the other person argument . often use this type of selective listening as a way to devalue the other person stance . In essence , we will one small flaw with what the other person is saying then use that flaw to demonstrate that obviously everything else be mong as well . The goal of be to suspend your judgment and really attempt to be present enough to accurately interpret the message being sent by the other person . we in this highly empathic way , we are often able to see things from the other person , which could help us to a outcome in the long . Communicate Lastly , but certainly not least , we communicate with the other person . Notice that and Abigail put communication as the last part of the model because it the hardest one to do effectively a conflict if the first three are not done correctly . we communicate during a conflict , we must be of our nonverbal behavior ( eye , gestures , posture , Nothing will kill a message faster than when it accompanied by bad nonverbal behavior . For example , one eyes while another person is speaking is an effective way to engage in conflict . One of our used to work with two women who clearly despised one another . They would never openly say something negative about the other person publicly , but in meetings , one would roll her eyes and make these word sounds of disagreement . The other one would just smile , slow her speech , and look iii the other woman direction . Everyone around the conference table knew exactly was , yet no words needed to be uttered at all . During a conflict , it to be assertive and stand up for your ideas without verbally , 316

aggressive . Conversely , you have to be open to someone else use of assertiveness as well without having to tolerate verbal aggression . VVe often end up using mediators to help call people on carpet when they communicate in a fashion that is verbally aggressive or does not further the conflict itself . As and Abigail note , People who are assertive with one another the greatest chance of achieving mutual satisfaction and growth in their MINDFULNESS ACTIVITY The Model for Conflict is definitely one that is highly aligned with our discussion of mindful interpersonal relationships within this hook . Taylor Rush , 21 clinical psychologist working for the Cleveland Clinic Center for ) recommends seven considerations for ensuring mindfulness while engaged in conflict . Set intentions . What do you want to be discussed during this interaction ?

What do you want to leam from the other person ?

What do you want to happen as a result of this conversation ?

Set your intentions early and in along to way to keep the conversation on point . Stay present to the situation . Try to keep assumptions at bay and ask questions to better understand the other person perspective and experiences . Stay aware of your inner reactions . Disrupt the automatic feedback loop between your body and your thoughts . Acknowledge distressing or judgmental thoughts and feelings without reacting to them . Then check them against the facts of the situation . Take one good breath before responding . A brief pause can mean all the difference between opting for a response or reaction . Use statements . This is a tried and true strategy for staying present . It allows you to fully concentrate on what the other person is saying ( rather than form your rebuttal ) and shows the other person you have an interest in What they are actually saying . This will make them more likely to reciprocate ! Remember , it not all about you . The ultimate objective is that both parties are heard and the conversation . Try to actively take the other person perspective and cultivate compassion ( even if you fundamentally do not agree with their position ) This makes escalation much less likely . Investigate afterward . What do you feel now that the conversation is over ?

What was the overall tone of the conversation ?

Do you feel like you understand the other person perspective ?

Do they understand yours ?

Will this require conversation or has the issue been resolved ?

Asking these questions will help you to hone your practice for the For this activity , we want you to think back to a recent conflict that you had with another person ( coworker , friend , family member , romantic partner ) Answer the questions . If you used the Model for Conflict , effective was it for you ?

If you ( lid not use the Model for Conflict , do you think you could have benefited from this approach ?

Looking at Rush seven strategies for engaging in mindful conflict , did you engage in all of them ?

If you didn engage in them all , which ones did you engage in , and which ones didn you engage in ?

How could engaging in all seven of them helped your conflict management with this person ?

317 ' . If you haven already , take a moment to think about the questions posed in of Rush list . hat can learn from this conflict that will help prepare you for future conflicts with this person or future conflicts more broadly ?

Keg Takeaways A conflict occurs when two people perceive differing goals or values , and if the two parties do not reach a solution , the interpersonal relationship could be seriously fractured . An argument , on the other hand , is a difference of opinion that occurs between two people ( hiring an argument . The primary difference between a conflict and an argument involves the emotional volatility of the situation . However , with a low tolerance for disagreement may perceive any form of argument as conflict . In this section , we discussed three basic forms of conflict management integrative ( collaborators ) distributive ( and avoidance ( Integrative conflict occurs when two people attempt a situation where the conflict parties strive to find a mutually beneficial solution to a problem . Distributive conflict occurs when one or both conflict parties desire a orientation where they will win and the other person will lose . Lastly , we have avoidance , which occurs when an individual either tries to avoid a conflict altogether or leaves the conflict field . Dudley and Ruth Anna Abigail method for is helpful when working through conflict with others . stands for stop , think , listening , and . Stop and time to be present within the conflict itself and prepare . Think through the real reasons for the conflict and what you want as an outcome for the conflict . Listen to what the other person says and try to understand the conflict from their . Communicate in a manner that is assertive , constructive , and aware of your overall message . Think of a time when a simple escalated to a conflict . What happened ?

did this escalation occur ?

During conflict , do you think its appropriate to use all three forms of conflict Think of a recent interpersonal conflict that you had that went badly . How could you have implemented the Model of Conflict to improve what happened during that conflict ?

As We discussed at the beginning of this chapter , in interpersonal relationships is inevitable . The only way relationships can truly grow is through , so learning how to manage is essential for successful interpersonal relationships . 318 End of Chapter KEY TERMS Accidental Communication Argument Informational Power Avoidance Integrative Coercive Power Interdependence Compliance Internalization Legitimate Power Disagreement Power Distributive Procedural Disagreements Effect Referent Power emotional awareness Reward Power Emotional Intelligence Rhetorical Communication Emotions Substantive Disagreement Expert Power Tolerance for Disagreement Expressive Communication You Statements Feelings REAL WORLD GAS Paul has iii a yearlong relationship with his boyfriend Bill . Paul really loves the idea of being love , but he just not love With Bill at all . on Day , he made the mistake of telling Bill that he loved him even though he just doesn . As far as Paul is concerned , he could end the relationship today . Bill , on the other hand , fell madly in love with Paul almost immediately after they started hanging out and to the together . One day when Bill and Paul were hanging out watching , he looked at Paul and told him that he loved him . Bill immediately noticed that Paul looked like a deer in headlights and let him off easy saying , There no need to say it back if you re ready to do Ultimately , the relationship became like a really good friendship than a romantic relationship . The two hung out and went to dinner and saw movies , ut were never really intimate with one another at all . Paul kept up the Charade because he kind of liked some of the perks of being in a relationship . He liked having someone to hang out with all the time . He liked having someone who cleaned his house and cooked for him . He liked having someone who would look after his cats when he went on vacation . Over time , Bill started to realize that something was wrong With the relationship . One day when he and Paul were talking about the future , he told Paul , I want to be everything for He immediately saw that once again Paul looked like a deer trapped in headlights . Over time , Bill 19

started noticing that Paul was getting more and more distant . He really loved Paul , but he started to realize that it really wasn being reciprocated the same way . Instead of saying something , he just shook the thoughts out of his mind and kept going . I . you classify this as a healthy relationship ?

I . do you think Paul has such a hard time being honest With Bill ?

do you think Bill was so determined to make the relationship work when it was clearly not being reciprocated ?

I . How would you describe the emotional quality of this relationship ?

How do you think this couple would engage in conflict ?

CHA TER . Jonathan loves to debate a wide of ideas . In fact , he has no problems arguing for or against something just to engage in a healthy debate With another person . Which personality trait does Jonathan exhibit ?

need for cognition argumentativeness proneness conflict avoidance ( high tolerance for disagreement . of the following represents a nonviolent communicative silence I ) placating playing games ( aggressive behavior violence . of the following is not an effective statement when communicating about one feelings ?

a . If you flirt with one more person , I going to hurt myself , and it will ) your . I hate it when you flirt with other I feel lonely when you flirt with other people because I need emotional ( I . You make me feel like a piece of trash when you with other . is a Norwegian language instructor . As she teaches about Norwegian , she also peppers in a variety of culture factors into her teachings . One of her students , im , really wants to spend a summer abroad in Norway , so Jim listens attentively to everything has to offer . Because of knowledge of , Jim hangs on every word . VVhat type of power best represents ' coercive reward legitimate ( expert referent 320

. is 21 ( union lea ( She involved in ( with 21 large ( sees her job as the lead negotiator to get the best possible deal for her union As such , she goes into with ( type of conflict strategies will . competitive ( integrative ' I References , 1976 ) An introduction to human communication . Bacon . I . Hurt , 1979 , February ) Tolerance for disagreement Interpersonal . Paper presented at the Annual Convention of the Western Speech , Los Angeles , CA . Richmond , 1979 ) Management communication style , tolerance for ment , and as of employee satisfaction A comparison of , and approaches . Communication Yearbook , Simons , 1972 ) Persuasion in social A critique of prevailing conceptions and a work for future research . Speech , 39 ( 1976 ) An introduction to human communication . Bacon . Ibid . 247 . Richmond , 1996 ) Fundamentals ofhuman communication An interpersonal perspective . Press . Richmond , 2005 ) Organizational survival Making work , work ( Bacon . Ibid . 176 . 10 Ibid . 177 . 11 , Abigail , A . 2014 ) Managing through communication ( Bacon . 12 , Abigail , A . 2011 ) Managing through communication ( Bacon . 13 , Abigail , A . 2014 ) Managing through communication ( Bacon . 14 Ibid . 15 Yellowstone National Park Staff ( 2015 , February 15 ) Why do geysers erupt ?

Retrieved from 16 , 2014 ) Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction More than a wives tale . Emotion , 14 ( 17 , Rapport , 2003 ) Aspects of social and emotional competence in adult disorder . Neuropsychology , 17 ( 18 , 2003 ) Nonviolent communication A language ( Puddle Dancer Press . 19 Ibid . 20 , Mayer , 1990 ) Emotional intelligence . Imagination , Cognition , and Personality , 211 . 21 , 2008 ) DCI coping . 22 , Randall , 2019 ) Editorial Dyadic coping . Frontiers in , 10 , 23 , 2020 , Trait emotional intelligence and relationship faction The mediating role of dyadic coping . The , 154 ( 78 . 24 Simon , 1977 ) Vulture A modern allegory on the art . Niles , IL Argus . 25 Aron , Aron , A . 1996 ) Love and the expansion of the self The state of the model . Personal , 26 , 1998 ) Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions . journal of Marriage and Family , 60 , 353438 27 Wrench , Richmond , 2008 ) Human communication in everyday life ) son , 322

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